Tough-Talking Romney Flexes Military Muscles

Jerusalem. Presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney delivered a stern warning to Iran in a rousing speech today in Jerusalem, much to the delight of Israel's right-wing government and neoconservatives in the US, many of which advise the candidate on a professional level. While the former governor said that he hoped economic strategies and diplomacy would deter Iran from gaining nuclear equality, he reiterated that he would support “any and all measures” to prevent this and that “no option should be excluded.”

“It is sometimes said that those who are the most committed to stopping the Iranian regime from securing nuclear weapons are reckless and provocative and inviting war,” Governor Romney said. “The opposite is true. We are the true peacemakers. History teaches with force and clarity that when the world's most despotic regimes secure the world's most destructive weapons, peace often gives way to oppression, to violence, or to devastating war."

After the applause died down, Mr. Romney continued, "So tomorrow my five sons and I will be taking an entirely new direction. All of them will forgo their present careers and enlist at once in the military in hopes of leading our troops into battle on the fields of Iran. I will personally be abandoning my presidential campaign, converting to Judaism and moving here to Israel where I will use my vast wealth to construct new military hospitals and personally share in whatever tragedies befall the region."

Stunned silence.

"Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Me and the boys stand to make a buttload off this!"

©2012 Kona Lowell