Bethesda, Maryland. Today the culmination of years of rigorous research was unveiled here at the National Institute of Health. The groundbreaking discovery has the potential to change the world and was announced by Dr. Fritz Friedenlieben, the chair of the project.
"After many years of hard work, we have finally isolated the virus that causes people to be irredeemably nasty. Tests have shown that the vaccine works with very few side affects and will prevent children from developing hatred, greed and intolerance. We are now ready to proceed to clinical trials."
"Dr. Friedenlieben, what are these side affects to the HGI vaccine?"
"There has been some very slight soreness at the site of injection, but the most pronounced side affects are feelings of love, generosity and the desire to get along with other people. We suggest children receive the vaccine by the age of four or five."
President Obama reacted to the news this morning.
"This is a landmark discovery. I am hoping that if the clinical trials are successful all parents will have their children vaccinated against this debilitating disease."
However, Republicans greeted the news with skepticism and some with outright hostility. Senator Rand Paul had this to say:
"While as a not board-certified ophthalmologist I applaud Dr. Friedenlieben's research on the HGI vaccine, as a Libertarian I believe it is the child's owners, the parents, who have the constitutional right to decide if their kids grow up to be hateful, greedy bigots or not."
Congressman Louis Gohmert of Texas was less accommodating:
"This country was built on hatred, greed and intolerance! Dr. Frankenburger's vaccine is just plain un-American! And hell, there wouldn't be anyone left to vote for us!"
The NIH says clinical trials will begin shortly and that the rats injected with the HGI vaccine seem to be enjoying sharing their food and giving each other back rubs.
©2015 Kona Lowell
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