Romney Wows GOP Faithful with World-Class Lying Ability

Washington, DC. It took some time, but Republicans are now all on board for their presumptive candidate, Mitt Romney. It was not the policies, the oratory skill, the debonaire demeanor, the lack of empathy, the grinning evil or the gray around the temples that won them over. It was the innate, some would even say magical, ability to lie repeatedly with a straight face while feigning smug religiosity.

Mr. Romney first made Republicans swoon with his initial ad, wherein he cleverly used President Obama quoting John McCain's remark from the 2008 election, "If we talk about the economy, we'll lose," and made it appear as if Mr. Obama were talking about himself. He followed this up with a constant refrain at every stop on how Obama was going around the globe apologizing for America. This was paired with yet another falsehood, that the President had made the economy worse.

But Mr. Romney was just getting warmed up. His next major ad campaign featured yet another brilliant misquote, "You didn't build that!" which was used to make Obama appear to be talking about building businesses as opposed to infrastructure. Republicans were pinching themselves to see if they were dreaming.

And now we have maybe one of the best deceptive ads of all time, wherein the Romney campaign claims that Obama is removing all work requirements from welfare, while in fact the opposite is true. When this ad first ran, 90% of Republican viewers had simultaneous orgasms. And the ad does not even have a single image of Sarah Palin in it.

"I'm impressed," says Dick "Musket" Little, Fox viewer, Tea Party member and conservative Christian, "We didn't know Romney had it in him. I mean, we knew he could lie. He's a Republican. But this is Olympic-quality lying. And now he's even got the race card going. Damn, I can't even watch TV without a pocketful of Kleenex. I feel like a kid again. Oh shit. Excuse me."

©2012 Kona Lowell