Washington, DC. Republicans have launched a campaign to increase their support among women, called We Know What's Best for You. The first new internet ads will debut next week, starring SNL alum Victoria Jackson and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
"For decades now the Democrat Party has been pandering to women," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "American women just don't realize how they're being used. We aim to change that."
McConnell claims that Democrats have lured women to the party with equal rights, equal pay for equal work, freedom of choice on pregnancy and birth control, prenatal care, day care, maternity leave and a host of other woman-friendly initiatives.
"It's just cynical," McConnell continued, "The Democrat Party uses women's issues to attract women to the party. We are the real party of equality. We want to treat women the same way we treat all men who aren't wealthy and white: like shit."
The We Know What's Best for You campaign is the brainchild of Andrew Breitbart and Dick Morris and is being funded purely by donations and large amounts of untraceable cash.
"Believe me," said Dick Morris, "As a toe-sucking foot fetishist with a very small penis, I know what's best for women. Trust me, being barefoot and pregnant is a good thing."
© 2011 Kona Lowell