Spartanburg, SC. After Saturday night's 10th GOP debate, in which all candidates with the exception of Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul endorsed waterboarding as a means of interrogation, the remaining candidates were out in force today chiding President Obama on his curt rejection of their stance and seeking unity in their support for this and other non-deadly methods.
"Waterboarding is not torture," said pizza CEO Herman Cain. "It's not like we want to put someone on the rack and stretch them until their arms and legs pop out of their sockets. And putting electrodes on someone's testicles and hooking them up to a car battery is just electronically enhanced interrogation. It's been used for years, especially here in Georgia."
"I agree with Herman on this one," stated Governor Rick Perry. "A good jolt to the testicles will get a fella talkin'. That's why I oppose cuttin' someone's tongue out and that other thing they do. You know, that really mean one. That would be wrong. Fun, but wrong."
"Well if everyone else thinks electrodes to the testicles is okay, then so do I," said Mitt Romney, "but check back with me in about a week."
"We need a president who is not afraid to attach electrodes to the testicles of every terrorist, suspected or imagined," said suddenly skyrocketing Newt Gingrich. "President Obama is not that man. If he is re-elected, the Islamic terrorists who are taking over the entire world will think that their testicles are safe. I want them to know their testicles are in my hands."
"Can I run for that job?" asked Rick Santorum.
"I actually prefer cutting their fingers off one by one with tin snips," said Michelle Bachmann, "but electrodes on the testicles is okay. Works great on Marcus if I don't give him too much juice."
© 2011 Kona Lowell