Austin, TX. After a bizarre speech last Friday in New Hampshire, that concluded with Governor Rick Perry hugging a bottle of maple syrup, many pundits and Washington wise guys have begun to rule out any hope of a "Texas Miracle" for the embattled candidate. But those who know the Governor are not so quick to count him out.
Perry spokesman Mark Miner told journalists Sunday that speculation about the Governor being drunk or on drugs was just another attempt by liberals to destroy the wildly popular juggernaut.
"He always talks like that," said Miner, "It has nothing to do with alcohol or pharmaceuticals. He's a free spirit. He was just feeling his oats. And he is well known to absolutely love maple syrup. I mean love in an erotic, pour it over body-parts sense."
So to stem the tide of apprehension among fellow Republicans, Governor Perry today addressed the Texas chapter of the NRA here in Austin. Looking healthy and fit on his red unicycle, the Governor moved with ease about the stage, using no teleprompter, alternately speaking in a high-pitched little girl voice and a deep Texas drawl.
"I have a dream," said the Governor, "but not like Martin Luther King's. In mine, I'm at the old Billy Bob's ridin' a pink mechanical armadillo, yellin' 'Yee haa' and wavin' my hat, which looks just like Carmen Miranda's, 'cept with more fruit. The audience is all female bikers and mean teddy bears holdin' giant corny dogs, and they keep yellin', 'Ride 'em, cowboy!' Suddenly, I fall off but when I try to get back on, Richard Simmons is already ridin' the armadillo and he's got my hat! So I take out a machine gun and mow everyone down. Rat-atat-tat-tat! Then Davy Crockett comes in and carries me out on his shoulders and we're in Cowboy Stadium where I catch the Hail Mary pass from Roger Staubach and God says, 'This is my beloved son. Give him a chimichanga!' Then I wake up. Happens every night."
Tomorrow Governor Perry will address the Texas Psychiatric Association and is expected to juggle live badgers while singing The Impossible Dream in Spanish.
© 2011 Kona Lowell