Wednesday, November 16, 2011

GOP Picks Newt Gingrich to Lose to Obama

Washington, DC. Republican pundits, strategists and voters are in the process of deciding that Newt Gingrich is their best choice for a candidate to be soundly defeated by President Obama in 2012. While Romney is not entirely out of the picture, it appears that Gingrich's sudden rise in the polls indicates that he will be the lucky candidate chosen to fall on his own sword.

"Look, we've got squat," said The Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol. "We may as well go down in a blaze of glory. Newt is the man for the job. He even looks like the Hindenburg."

"I was really hoping it would be Herman Cain," said Ed Rollins, political strategist. "At least we would have a black guy losing to a black guy. That would make us appear almost human, to the information-challenged anyway."

"Newt is going to be simply terrific in the debates with Obama," said George Will, mercenary columnist. "He's the smartest candidate we have. He can debate any issue from either side. He knows where Libya is. When Obama beats him in 2012, we will at least not look like total ignorant shitheads."

"I was all set for Romney to lose to Obama," said Michael Steele, former RNC Chairman, "but I can go with Newt. And it's a hell of a lot better than Cain. I was not looking forward to defending a stupid black man with a history of sexual harassment against an intelligent one with a beautiful wife and kids who everyone likes. I have some pride, deeply hidden for sure, but damn, I mean Herman fucking Cain? Give a brother a break."

"I was afraid it was going to be like sending in the Washington Huskie's B team to take on the Packers at Lambeau," said Charles Krauthammer, asshole. "I have been trying to imagine Bachmann or Cain or Perry debating Obama. It would be an unprecedented slaughter of laughably biblical proportions. Romney could maybe handle it. He looks the part. Nice smile, good hair, fresh breath. But Newt is the real deal. He has the right amount of pomposity, rage, xenophobia, jingoism and simple mean-spiritedness to make a lasting impression before the GOP implodes like a dying star and is consigned to the dustbin of History. We may as well go down with our guns blazing. Not that I've ever shot a gun, but you know what I mean."

"I'm still hoping for Palin," said Rich Lowry of National Review. "I still think she was winking at me personally. Is this thing ever going to go down?"

© 2011 Kona Lowell