Washington, DC. Tony Perkins, President of the Family Research Council, admitted today that it was becoming increasingly difficult to field a sinless candidate and that the only option was to remove certain sins from the Bible.
"We have a great field of candidates here. All of them are profoundly pro-war, especially as relates to any Arab or Muslim country. I think we can safely say that the entire field would be ready and willing to bomb them all into oblivion if possible. We can also say that every last one of them would work to make American Muslims second-class citizens as well.
"Further, all have the correct idea as to dealing with the nation's poor and sick, which is to blame them for their poverty and/or sickness. All have the right policy on taxation, which is to treat the wealthy as God's anointed. And all rightly see Obamacare as an insult to the Almighty.
"And of course all of our candidates believe a fertilized egg is a person, that gays should not be allowed to marry, serve in the military, adopt children or be seen as equals in our society. I think we all see Uganda as the model for a future America in this regard.
"We have just one problem: sex. It seems that it is getting more difficult to find a candidate that has been faithful to his wife or isn't a Mormon. So we propose to edit out those parts of the Bible where it talks about adultery. We will keep the bits about homosexuality, and just hope we have less Republicans with "wide stances" in the future. Of course none of this will apply to preachers or televangelists or camp counselors."
"Tony, will this make it possible for Newt to get your endorsement?"
"Exactly, John. Mr Gingrich embodies all we stand for, with the exception of his predisposition to committing adultery over and over and over again. With adultery no longer a sin, Mr Gingrich can go about his business with a clear.... what is the word I'm looking for? Oh yes, conscience."
"How about Herman Cain? Will this apply to him as well?"
"Only if he stops banging white women."
© 2011 Kona Lowell