Monday, November 4, 2013

The Misunderstood Republicans

Washington, DC. There is a tendency among liberals, progressives and other Democrats to not only disagree with Republican policy positions, but to demonize our good friends on the other side of the aisle for stances we consider extreme, toxic or simply mean-spirited, brazenly evil when in reality Republicans are kindhearted, generous Americans who are woefully, and yes — wrongfully — misunderstood.

For example, many Democrats found fault with the Republican opposition to the repeal of DADT. Liberals demanded that gays and lesbians had every right to serve their country openly and unashamed and castigated the GOP for what was perceived to be bigoted, homophobic assholery of the highest order, when in reality the Republicans were simply expressing a near-maternal, deeply held concern that a war could tragically reduce our beloved gay population, thus depleting our stock of interior designers, hair stylists, Republican pundits and congressional aides.

The same misunderstanding has been in play throughout the health care debate. Liberals concluded that Republican opposition to millions of uninsured Americans finally having access to health care at affordable rates was due to a lack of empathy, even a spiteful, ugly shitheadedness that delights to the verge of orgasm in crushing to pink goo and bone fragments the poor and middle class. Nothing could be further from the truth. Republicans were in fact selflessly putting their careers on the line to protect the millions of insurance company employees, emergency room staffs, orphanages, bankruptcy attorneys and funeral directors who could be drastically impacted by passage of this law.

Women's rights presents yet another case of too-quick-to-judge liberals presupposing evil intent on the part of goodhearted Republicans. For example, take the equal pay for equal work issue. Democrats attribute the GOP's unwillingness to endorse this concept to an innate, small penis hostility, bordering on Ariel Castro-like misogyny, when in reality it is a result of an overwhelming love and admiration for the fair sex. See, Republicans fear that women will make so much money that they will no longer view marriage as a worthy goal, and will therefore end up as wizened, bitter, old hags, childless and unfulfilled, with nothing left but to spew their icy venom, thus becoming legions of competition for Ann Coulter and thereby upsetting the delicate balance of wobblefuckery in the universe.

The Republicans cannot get a break. Now we have millions of Democrats railing against what they assume to be more casual GOP malevolence, bold-faced cupidity and gleeful thuggery in the slashing of SNAP — commonly know as food stamps — funding. Again, we err. In reality, although late to the game, Republicans are simply joining with First Lady Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to fight childhood obesity.

I think some apologies are in order.

©2013 Kona Lowell

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