How To Tell If You're An Idiot

All of us have some areas in which our powers of intellect are not up to par, in fact at which we suck out loud. For me, that would be math and cars. Math makes my brain hurt, my eyes glaze over and all sexual functions cease. I drive cars just fine, but have no ability or desire to repair them, have grease under my fingernails or busted knuckles and would be thrilled to have a disposable one.

But having bad math skills, the inability to carry a tune, do car repairs, lousy spelling or being a Cleveland Browns fan does not make you an idiot, although the last one is on the line. No, being an idiot means one is so magically benighted as to be a danger to oneself and others by sheer force of stupidity. If one reaches this rarified height of idiocy, it should be required to have one's name and address sewn into one's clothing and a large sign on the front and back reading "DANGER. IDIOT."

For example, if one cannot tell the difference between day and night, one is an idiot. Yes, both time periods have some things in common. Both have large orbs in the sky which are bright and noticeable. At times, it may be dark during the day, say during a storm, but that does not make it night. Conversely, it may be very bright at night during a full moon, but that does not make it day. If this is a difficult concept, one is an idiot.

Or let's say one cannot distinguish the difference between men and women. Both have things in common. Both have arms and legs, are bipedal (when sober), have varying amounts of hair and often wear similar clothing. Yes, at times a man may (intentionally) look very much like a woman or vice versa. But in general, most people can tell one from the other. If one cannot do this, one is an idiot.

The inability to distinguish day from night or men from women, however, pales in comparison to the inability to discern the difference between the Republican Party and the Democratic Party. Yes, both have animal mascots with four legs, both are inundated with corporate money, both are too apt to use military force and both are comprised of fallible, imperfect human beings. There are, however, notable and important differences which are obvious to anyone who is not an idiot.

For example, if one is a woman, Black, gay, Latino, poor, middle class, in a union, a student, a veteran, sick or interested in breathing clean air, Republicans are not only disinterested in you, they are doing their best to make your life as miserable as possible, whereas the Democrats are most often doing the exact opposite.

That means if you are a woman, Republicans want to take away your right to an abortion as well as most birth control and health services. They think you should be paid less than a man and should be ashamed of yourself for being such a slut that someone was forced to rape you. And in Texas, they're making voting while female a test of endurance. Start practicing jumping through hoops. Hoops that are on fire.

If you're Black, you probably already know that the Republican Party would prefer to see you playing a banjo, tap dancing or baling cotton. For free, while singing Negro spirituals. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot is an all-time favorite. You are a lazy thug and if you attained any success, it was certainly undeserved. You also realize that they aren't too happy about you voting, let alone winning an election, unless you're a Republican. Odds are you're not.

If you're gay, you know that Republicans are happy about one thing, and that is that they will not have to spend eternity with you because you will of course be burning in hell. But in the meantime, they would like to repeal DADT, make marriage equality illegal, put an end to same-sex couples adopting children and only date you in secret.

If you are Latino, adios. Forget immigration reform, muchacho, and use those cantaloupe-muscle legs to trot your ass right back across the border. But leave the salsa. Tortilla Coast wouldn't be the same without it.

If you're poor, God hates you. Too bad.

If you're middle class, you have a future. At Walmart.

If you're a union worker, the Republicans would prefer you to simply be a worker. Pensions are for pussies. So is a living wage.

If you're a student, time to realize that there's no free lunch. Or education. Or hope. Besides, education makes one apt to think and reason. Republicans are already losing enough voters.

If you are a veteran, thank you for your service. Now fuck off.

If you're sick, well, there are plenty of doctors out there and state-of-the-art medicine and facilities. What? No health insurance? What song would you like played at your funeral? Anyway, the Republicans are too busy trying to deprive 40 million Americans from having health care to worry about you right now.

You like clean air? And water? You must be joking. You know who the Republicans' biggest donors are, right? Can't run cars on trees. When wind or sun rays can be sold by the barrel, we'll talk.

Of course this abbreviated list of examples will not be enough to convince some people that there is an actual difference between the two parties. Because drones. Because the NSA. Because Gitmo. Because Benghazi. Oh wait, that's a Tea Party line. Fucking idiots.

©2013 Kona Lowell