Washington, DC. This morning in a Rose Garden press conference, President Obama announced that the federal government would be canceling the Affordable Care Act, commonly know as Obamacare. Admitting that glitches with the new program's website are completely insurmountable, the president shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh well, you win some, you lose some. Time to punt."
Republicans were quick to respond.
"We knew this wouldn't work," said Speaker John Boehner, "because it involves technology. You know, computer (hic) stuff. It's not like you just have to type in 'girl scouts big tits german shepherds' and hit ENTER. It's really compli- (hic) complicated."
A CNN poll also found that an overwhelming majority of the 30 million uninsured Americans agreed with the president's decision. Said one respondent, Ray 'Scrapper' Nuss of Toadstomp, Texas, "I've got by without insurance all my damn life. My grandpappy lived to be 54 years old! I reckon I can beat that. Shootin' for it anyhow. And hell, I'm fixin' to win the lottery any day now so I can buy a damn hospital. I git 10 tickets a week."
Other uninsured Americans were not as hopeful, but generally agreed that insurance was a luxury best left to the wealthy, like BMW's or Louis Vuitton handbags. Others admitted that it was selfish to expect health care and that if God had wanted them to see their children grow up he would have given them the ability to see into the future.
President Obama also announced that due to the impossible to overcome technical difficulties involved, all Middle East peace negotiations would be stopped, future space exploration would be abandoned, efforts to halt climate change would cease, nuclear arms reduction would be terminated and all medical research would be replaced with giant government funded leech farms.
"Now if you'll excuse me," President Obama said as he left the Rose Garden, "we have some post offices to name."
©2013 Kona Lowell