Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Senator Cruz Goes Boom

Washington, DC. Traffic was temporarily rerouted last night due to an explosion in the Capitol Building. At 12:45 AM, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) rushed wildly into the House of Representatives with 20 lbs. of dynamite strapped to his waist, demanding that all the Republicans commit ritual suicide by leaping from the Capitol dome or he would blow himself and the entire Capitol Building up. He was set upon immediately by Senator Rand Paul who had followed him into the room and began beating Senator Cruz violently about the head with a hardbound copy of Atlas Shrugged. Unfortunately, this proved to be too little too late and Senator Cruz, with a cry of "I'm coming Tail-Gunner Joe!" was able to detonate his explosives.

Among the dead were 25 Tea Party members of the House as well as Senators Cruz and Paul. The wounded Republicans were moved onto the street to await emergency medical care which arrived a few hours later. Cleanup will be delayed due to the shutdown and members will meet in another wing of the building until repairs are completed. Talks on resuming the operation of the government are expected to move quickly and passage of a clean CR is believed to be likely.

President Obama addressed the stunned nation and offered his condolences.

"Good evening. Tonight we witnessed a tragic, senseless waste of human... ha, hum, excuse me... human life...he he... excuse me.. ahem.... life... and hope that we can all move forward.... ha... ahem... together and resolve our differences... wheeee heeee heeee.... excuse me.... ahem.... etc., etc., etc. Thank you."

Colleagues of Senator Cruz held a prayer vigil outside the damaged building despite the freak thunderstorm until one, Senator Mike Lee (R-UT), was seriously injured by lightning. The vigil was moved to a nearby Denny's where it continued into the early morning. A hearty Grand Slam breakfast was served and only Senator Tim Scott (R-SC), who had the honor of blessing the food, was removed to a local hospital suffering from food poisoning.

Majority Leader Harry Reid remembered his combative fellow senator, "I knew Senator Cruz had an explosive personality, but this was unexpected."

Democrats met later and toasted the late senator with several rounds of Cuba Libres.

President Obama ordered all Capitol trashcans be adorned with red, white and blue buntings and ordered all Confederate flags to be flown at half-staff.

©2013 Kona Lowell

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