Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Jesus Christ Files Defamation Suit Against GOP

Washington, DC. In a surprise move, Jesus of Nazareth appeared in court this morning with His attorneys to file a defamation suit against the Republican party. Looking fit for his age but somewhat tired, the Son of God responded to reporters questions as He left the courthouse.

"Look, I'm in the forgiveness business, right? Always will be, but there comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough."

Asked what brought Him to this decision, the Messiah responded, "It was the 'you don't work, you don't eat' thing. I never said that. Paul did. And he wasn't talking to the poor or widows or cripples. He was talking to his own lazy ass disciples who were dogging it and trying to sponge off the people they were supposed to be helping. Heck, I fed thousands of poor people with a few loaves and fishes. I didn't ask them if they all had jobs first.

"You know, I majored in poor people. I only talked about them non-stop. The Pharisees hated My guts for it, but I kept rubbing their greedy noses in it. Cost Me, too, you know? I thought I made My opinion pretty clear on this subject, right? But these guys, these Republicans, they're even worse than those schmucks. It's bad enough being misquoted, but when you start beating up on the poor in My name, there's gonna be hell to pay.

"On top of that, these Republicans are trying to take healthcare away from millions of My people. Like I would want that. Hello? Yeah, I had a short career down here, but you know what I did every day? Heal people. Okay, I turned some water into wine once, but that was a just as a favor for My mom. And hey, you fundamentalist nutjobs, it was real wine, not Kool-Aid. Put those brothers in Cana on the floor. But healing was my business. I never turned down anyone. Not a soul. Preconditions? I didn't even consider 'dead' a precondition. Now you want to tell people I'm against free healthcare? Gimme a break."

"Jesus, are you concerned that Satan will be representing the Republican party in this lawsuit?"

"Yeah, he's a real menace. I'm terrified. Next question?"

"What do you think of Ted Cruz?"

"He's a putz. Hey, gotta go. Haven't had fresh hummus in millennia."

©2013 Kona Lowell

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