Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Interview: Karl Rove Rebrands the GOP

Recently, Konajournal sat down with Karl Rove, Republican political consultant and election forecast wizard, to discuss the GOP's strategy for the 2014 and 2016 elections.

"Mr. Rove, it's very good of you to take this time with us. What do you see as the number one problem facing the Republican party in the upcoming elections?"

"Thank you, it's good to be here. I think the biggest hurdle we face is that we have a lot of really great ideas and great candidates but those ideas are just not resonating with the majority of the country. In other words, it's not the messenger, it's the message."

"So how do you remedy that?"

"Well, we have to be for something that the majority of voters favor. See, we're for lower taxes for millionaires, which is something millionaires really, really like, but unfortunately the majority of voters aren't millionaires. We're working on changing that."

"I see."

"We're for making abortion virtually illegal nationwide, and while hardcore Christian fundamentalists support this, for some reason the majority of women don't. And we have discovered that women actually vote. I guess they Tivo their soaps.

Same thing with guns. We're for every citizen being able to own a shoulder-fired rocket launcher, which the NRA just loves, but the majority of Americans think may not be a good idea. Who knew?

We're all for drilling in pristine wilderness areas, but people who like Nature don't support this. Never knew people liked Nature so damn much. I mean which would you rather have? More oil or more bears?

Then there's marriage equality. We're for reinstating DADT and making gay marriage constitutionally illegal, which is fine by me since I enjoy being a confirmed bachelor, but the majority of voters don't agree. I blame Glee.

Of course war has always been our main policy. Endless, blood-soaked battlefields. Big explosions. Makes for great TV, and Americans love it. 'USA! USA! USA!' But now that Obama is proposing a military intervention in Syria, we can't go with that one right now, so fuck it. We need something that everybody loves. Something that no one can object to. Something we can be for that has no negatives, no pressure groups, no controversy."

"And that would be?"

"Bunnies. Small, fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. We're for small fluffy bunnies with floppy ears. Well goddamn it, Reince! Who shot the fucking bunny?"

©2013 Kona Lowell

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