Experts: GOP Died of Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation, Not Suicide

Washington, DC. This morning experts asserted that the death of the Republican Party was not due to suicide as believed, but to auto-erotic asphyxiation gone horribly wrong.

"We kept asking ourselves," said Howard Fineman, editor of the Huffington Post, "how they could possibly be pursuing an agenda so ridiculously out of tune with the majority of the country, and now we know."

"They were getting off on it, apparently," Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader opined, "It's sad, really. Maybe if the weren't so sexually repressed this wouldn't have happened."

Experts say that the lower the Republican Party approval fell, the higher the arousal level rose, especially among Tea Party members.

"It starts, of course, with soft-core political porn, like The Weekly Standard," said Dr. Theodore Gimlet, Professor of Political Science, Harvard. "But soon this is no longer satisfying and addicts like these Tea Party types move on to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh. Eventually they get into the hard stuff, like World Net Daily and Glenn Beck. Before long even Alex Jones is not satisfying enough and they begin to experiment with dangerous self-delusion and abuse. There's a constant urge to take it to the next level, cheating death ever more riskily, timing it ever more closely, down to the last second.

"These guys had a perpetual hardon for Obama. And then there was immigration, women's rights, gay rights. They just kept tightening the noose. The more the country protested, the more the polls showed them plummeting like a wounded B-52, the more giddy they became. But the government shutdown and the looming debt ceiling fight proved to be more than they could handle. Their fantasy overcame all sense of personal well-being and propriety. It's a dangerous practice, and quite addictive. They just couldn't stop."

"Well, now we know why they always insisted we provide a podium for them to stand behind," said Walter 'Wires' Tangled, CNN cameraman. "I always thought it was so they could use it to steady themselves, like at a bar. Guess not."

©2013 Kona Lowell