Gettysburg, PA. Former Senator Rick Santorum has officially suspended his meteoric, grassroots campaign in light of the fact that he has a snowball's chance in hell of securing the nomination. Surrounded by his family, each sporting a charming risus sardonicus, Mr. Santorum swore to continue the fight to return America to the glory of the 18th century.
"Our campaign may be over, but I still have work to do! I will continue to fight to remove hard-won rights from the women and minorities of this country, to make members of the LGBT community objects of scorn and derision, to promote death and destruction worldwide, to slander one billion Muslims and encourage enmity towards them all, to scoff at science and higher education, to destroy unions and the middle class they built and to aid the super-wealthy in trampling the poor into the mud all with a facade of religiosity and pomposity. Thank you, and God bless the United States of America. And fuck you, Mitt Romney."
Meanwhile, the Ron Paul campaign has announced that victory is within their grasp.
"We've got them right where we want them," said campaign manager Jesse Benton,"now all we need is for Romney to drop out and we're in."
©2012 Kona Lowell
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