Washington, DC. The producers of the History Channel's hit show, MonsterQuest, have announced they will abandon their year-long search for the elusive Eisenhower Republican. While the effort is not being considered a complete waste of time and resources, the results have been less than positive.
Jeff Meldrum, Associate Professor of Anatomy and Anthropology and Adjunct Associate Professor of the Department of Anthropology at Idaho State University, and noted Bigfoot researcher, has been heading the team.
"We have had very reliable eyewitness accounts of this supposedly extinct creature for decades now," said Dr. Meldrum, "as well as some good tracks and a few somewhat blurry photos. You can see that these casts, which very closely resemble 1950's era wingtips, have very good definition. They were recovered in the D.C. area several years ago, but we have been unable to prove that they are authentic."
Some of the eyewitness accounts are quite thrilling. One Iowa resident, John Cornhole, claims to have nearly run over one with his truck.
"Ran right across the damn road! I nearly hit it, but it kept on going into the cornfield and that was the last I saw of it."
New Hampshire native, Don Treadonme, claims that one actually showed up for a town hall meeting.
"We knew it was an Eisenhower Republican immediately. It couldn't have been anything else. It grabbed the mike and said, 'Should any political party attempt to abolish social security,
unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you
would not hear of that party again in our political history.' Well damn, we tried to catch it. Caleb here tried to get a picture of it, but it was out the door like a scalded cat. I never seen anything like it, and hope I never do again. Scared the hell outta me!"
The Eisenhower Republican, theoretically an ancestor of Modern Republicans, is believed to be less warlike, more liberal in its approach to social issues and not inclined to be batshit crazy.
"I think we gave it a good try," said Dr. Meldrum, "but I believe, in spite of the eyewitness accounts and trace evidence, that we are dealing with simple misidentifications. I believe that the Eisenhower Republican is definitely extinct and further efforts to locate one would prove fruitless."
Asked what he plans to do next, Dr. Meldrum replied that he was going to continue his quest to prove the existence of Bigfoot.
"I have a lot better chance of finding one of these," Meldrum said.
©2012 Kona Lowell