Washington, DC. It has been revealed in the past few days that presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney was actually the architect of the auto bailout that saved GM, that he would have killed Osama bin Laden with his own bare hands and that he is not a stuffed shirt, but a wild and crazy prankster who short sheets beds and gives chamber maids hilarious fake dismissal notices, but only today was it made known that he was actually the "Fifth Beatle."
"This is usually an honor bestowed upon Sir George Martin," said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "but it was actually Mitt who was instrumental in turning an average rock and roll band from Liverpool into the history-changing phenomenon that were the Beatles.
"For example, the Beatles wanted "Eleanor Rigby" to be a kazoo and banjo song, but Mitt insisted they use a string octet instead, producing one of the most memorable pieces of popular music ever created. Of course Mitt's piano work on "In My Life" is legendary."
The Romney campaign, however, was quick to dismiss any rumors of a reunion tour in the near future.
"Mitt's rock and roll days are behind him," Rhoades said, "He has other priorities. But we can and will return this country to the early sixties."
Meanwhile, Brian Wilson, 69 year-old founder of the Beach Boys, has agreed to add Romney's name to any further pressings of "Good Vibrations."
"We really couldn't have written that without Mitt," Wilson said, "He was a really more of a hodad, you know, but still in my mind a big kahuna. Drank a lot of milkshakes. Good dancer. Nice Woody."
©2012 Kona Lowell