Lynchburg, VA. This past weekend presumptive presidential nominee Mitt Romney delivered the commencement speech at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. We are fortunate to have received a copy of the first draft of that speech before it was drastically edited and present it here in its entirety.
"Hi there, boys and girls! I am severely honored to be here today, on this important occasion, as you make your way into the world and begin the work you've prepared for. I love Liberty University. The buildings are just the right height. Ha ha. I also love the name of your town, Lynchburg. It reminds me of trees. Ha ha.
"Now I know many of you think I'm a member of a cult, just because my religion tells me that God lives on a planet named Kolob and that Jesus is Satan's brother, but really I'm just like you: intolerant and Machiavellian, although richly cloaked with false piety, and in my case, magic boxers.
"Just like you, I believe marriage is sacred and is only to be between one man and one woman, unless you're Rush Limbaugh, and then it's one man and four women. Ha ha. Poor Rush, he was just born in the wrong century. If he had been born in my grandfather's day, he could have had all four at the same time! Ha ha.
"But seriously, we cannot let gay people ruin the institution of marriage. The next thing you know, they'll be getting divorces just like the rest of us. Imagine the log jam in the courts! And I still stand by my commitment to all American bakers they they not be required to create gay wedding cakes if it offends their consciences.
"And even though I believe Jesus came to America to teach the Indians, I, like you, am severely pro-life, except for endless war, the death penalty, Muslims and Irish Setters. That is why we must abolish Planned Parenthood and the ASPCA. If women want free health care, they should marry a guy with some money. As for the ASPCA, they spend millions aborting puppies. I want to live in a country where there is a dog for every car roof.
"Now you graduating students are entering the real world, where you must, like me, make your own way. And believe me, as a businessman I know how to do this. First, have a father who is a governor and president of a car company. Then be very tall and handsome. It's easy. If you don't make it in business, you can always be an underwear model. Ha ha.
"Of course I'm talking to the boys here! You girls are now equipped to be the best little homemakers the world has ever seen! Don't forget that! Breed your own soccer team! Ann did!
"So go out now into the world and use the knowledge you've amassed here at Liberty — creation science, revisionist history, Dominionist theology and smug intolerance — to return our nation to its glory days. There's a planet with your name on it waiting for you.
©2012 Kona Lowell