Ryan Demands Debate Rematch

Danville, KY. An unhappy Congressman Paul Ryan angrily expressed his demand for a debate rematch with Vice President Joe Biden this morning. Ryan, still sitting outside in the Centre College quad, drinking from a gallon jug of water, made it clear that he believes he was treated unfairly.

"I want a rematch. Look, no one told me this was going to be a math test. I would have studied. And Martha Raddatz was mean to me," he said, taking another long drink from the jug.

Asked how he would like the rematch to be handled, the young congressman took another drink and said, "Well, first of all, we should have to wear tank tops and do fifty pushups. And Biden should not be allowed to laugh or smile. If he does, he should have to go outside and stand in the hall. I hate people laughing at me. Reminds me of my first six dates. And we should have a fair-minded moderator, someone like Sean Hannity.

"Then there's the topics. Questions on foreign policy, abortion, taxes, Medicare or Social Security should be expressly forbidden. These are personal issues, matters of religious faith. That's crossing the line. We should just talk about how Obama is destroying this country and leave it at that," he said, finishing off the jug of water.

"Congressman, it is highly unlikely that a rematch of last night's debate will be scheduled."

"We'll see. My mom is calling President Obama today and telling him he just better arrange it. Always worked in school. Hey, I really need to pee. Where's the bathroom?"

©2012 Kona Lowell