Boston, MA. With only two days remaining to prep for the debate of his life, former Governor Mitt Romney is making notable progress. Said Ohio Senator, Rob Portman, who is the GOP coach and stand-in for President Obama, "He's come a long way. At first all he did was laugh at each question. We've almost broke him of that habit. And we've convinced him, I think, that 'I know you are but what am I?' can only be used a maximum of five times per debate."
Of course the real work has been trying to familiarize the candidate with foreign affairs, countries other than France and the unpronounceable names of a multitude of heads of state.
"He's doing pretty well," said Senator Portman, "We're using phonetic spelling techniques. He realizes he can't keep calling President Ahmadinejad 'Mr. A' or 'that Iranian guy.' He gets really darn close now. If you're not Iranian, you'd probably never notice.
"And we are working on not saying things like 'Soviet Union,' 'Burma,' 'Rhodesia,' 'West Korea' and 'Planet Kolob.' Just hope no one asks him about Kyrgyzstan. We're still a bit rough on that one. May use the laugh there.
"Only problem is, I told Mitt to watch as much Reagan as he could. You know, to try and channel the Gipper. How the fuck did I know he'd spend two weeks watching 'Bedtime for Bonzo?'
Meanwhile, President Obama is practicing with Senator John Kerry standing in for Mr. Romney. Said the Senator, "It's going pretty well. I've got the silly walk down perfectly. My smugness needs work, but the yachting cap helps. Can't wait to get out of these mom jeans, though."
©2012 Kona Lowell
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