Thursday, June 14, 2012

Romney Steels Himself to Endure Magic Bus Tour

Cincinnati, OH. Former Governor Mitt Romney's bus tour to the heartland of America will launch tomorrow in New Hampshire and wend its way to Pennsylvania, Ohio and Wisconsin, an ordeal for which Mr. Romney has been strenuously preparing for several weeks now.

"We have had Governor Romney on a very strict workout regimen for the past two months," said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades, "which includes hours of sitting in a bus seat and waving vigorously. His wrist is much stronger now. We think he'll be ready by gameday.

"We have also tested him on various foods he is likely to encounter on his odyssey, like hot dogs, donuts, hamburgers, bratwursts, potato salad and pretzels. Right now he is scoring in the upper 70's on identification, but we hope by Friday he will get close to 90%. Of course getting him to eat these things is the real challenge. We're still working on that. We keep a small vial of truffle oil on hand to douse these lower-class foodstuffs with and make them less offensive to his sensitive palate."

Asked what the greatest challenge has been, Mr. Rhoades remarked that it was getting Mr. Romney to understand the concept of the bus tour.

"He didn't understand when we first announced this tour that he would actually have to ride on the bus. The meds seem to be helping."

©2012 Kona Lowell


  1. He's gonna have problems with those donuts, especially the chocolate ones. I hope they give him extra tutoring on those.

  2. They're trying to keep him from saying "doo-nuts." It's gonna be a challenge.

  3. I hope they don't send him to a state fair. Food on a stick could cause him to stroke out.

  4. but then we wouldn't get a chance to see yet another Rethug fellate a corny dog.

  5. Let's get him to Hawaii and feed him kim chee, poi, lap chong and chicken katsu curry from L&L!

  6. Hah!!! Then we have to teach him to say "Broke da mouth!"