Boston, MA. Scientists at The Center for Human Genetic Research claim to have identified and isolated the gene that causes Republicans to be asshole jerkoffs. This breakthrough may in the future lead to gene therapy and a possible vaccine for this presently incurable condition.
"We began this study in a roundabout way," said Dr. William Frogworth, head of the project, "by trying to locate a single Republican in either the House or Senate who was not an amoral, pathologically evil asshole jerkoff. We were unable to identify a single one, even among the women, who showed at times even less empathy than their male counterparts. We found this shockingly aberrant, and began to posit that this must be a genetic condition."
The goal of this crucial research is to prevent future generations of Republicans from entering the breeding population and thus allow for a society based on compassion, generosity and cooperation.
"As long as there are Republicans," Frogworth said, "as a nation, we're going to look more and more like any of a number of zombie apocalypse B-movies you've seen. Climate will continue to become more extreme, gun deaths will skyrocket, the homeless community will burgeon, constant war will be the norm, the middle class will utterly vanish and the very wealthy will assemble large, massively weaponized private armies to guard their walled compounds."
Unfortunately, although the asshole jerkoff gene has been isolated, a vaccine or cure is years away.
"In the old days, we would have just rounded up people like this and disposed of them in one unpleasant way or another," Frogworth said, "but, thankfully, we don't operate like that now. So we're putting all our energy into this project. We are guardedly optimistic."
Asked what to expect if they are unsuccessful in developing a therapy or vaccine, Dr. Frogworth said, "Well, it's not good. This genetic condition seems to get worse logarithmically. Imagine millions of Louis Gohmerts and Newt Gingriches roaming the streets."
"We would be fucked."
"Yes, we would be fucked."
©2013 Kona Lowell
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