Send in the Clowns: A CPAC Review

National Harbor, MD. If you were not one of the thousands of far-right pilgrims pious enough make the hadj to the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, or CPAC, at the ironically named Gaylord National Hotel here this past week, or have been media-deprived, we at Kona Journal now offer you a quick recap of the highlights. But first, here's comedian Jackie Z, fresh from the Clamdigger Room, with his take on the big event. Jackie?

"Thanks chief! Hey, I just flew in from Miami. I'm not gonna say it's humid down there, but I need a steam bath to dry out! But seriously! CPAC? What is that? An antibiotic? Hey, these Republicans are a great crowd! You know what's dumber than a Republican? Two Republicans! You know I've seen less venom at a rattlesnake roundup. Yeah, the crowd here is all upset about Ukraine. Well Crimea river! Hey, ya know what the number one appetizer is here? Putin on a Ritz. Hey, I'm not gonna say all these Republicans are douches, but the best-selling drink here is vodka and Summer's Eve."

Thanks Jackie! Save me a seat at the bar! Anyway, there were several outstanding performances by leading Republicans.

Governor Rick Perry of Texas was a big hit with the uber-conservative crowd. Looking almost sentient in his black-rimmed glasses, a very animated (as in cartoonish) Perry wowed the crowd with his televangelist hair and delivery. He drew wild applause for his call for the government to give corporations free rein to decimate the nation and his not-so-subtle jab at that drag on the economy, the Post Office, and the cruel Republican-made problems it staggers needlessly under.

Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey drew polite applause for his attempt to prove his anti-choice bona fides and hatred for all things Obama, but ruined any chance he had of garnering the presidential nomination by advocating that the party actually have ideas. Even the fact that he is probably facing indictment for criminal behavior is not enough to save him.

Former Arkansas Governor and embarrassment to bass players everywhere, Mike Huckabee, did the full Benghazi and a very bad Jesus impersonation, reminding all lapsed Christians why they lapsed.

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky came out of his shell and allowed Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn to play with his gun to the delight of one and all. He also threatened to make the Senate a place Coburn can be proud of again if he becomes Majority Leader.

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas used his stage time to savage other Republicans, as usual, and to the great joy of Democrats nationwide continued with his utterly nonsensical theory that Republicans could win it all if they were just meaner, more racist, more anti-science, more pro-war, more pro-rich and more anti-woman. In other words, more conservative. There was not a Tea Partier there who did not pitch a tent.

Congressman Paul Ryan's stirring speech on the righteousness of allowing starving children to die with dignity left not a dry eye in the room.

Senator Rand Paul, who won the straw poll and will therefore never be president, proved his daredevil credentials by successfully tackling a subject he is entirely unfamiliar with: principles. He also droned on about liberty, something Democrats are apparently allergic to.

But of course the star of the show was former half-term governor, Fox News paid liar, losing vice-presidential candidate, failed reality star, queen of smarm, wet dream of Rich Lowry, the ever-snide Sarah Palin. Palin did not disappoint with her acid-tongued swipes at Obama's manhood and proved that she had read at least one book, Green Eggs & Ham (or her speech writer had). She thrilled the audience with the possibility of a new Cold War and brought the hooting and hollering house down with the suggestion that real men love nuclear war. She stood up for the most downtrodden among us, the millionaire fakers of Duck Dynasty. But her most wallet-felt remarks came in her plea for women to not be mere "accessories" for the Democratic Party, but to embrace the full freedom of servitude and submission awaiting them in the GOP. The room echoed and shook to cries of "Run, Sarah, run!" On a personal note, I have always refrained from using the "C" word to describe any woman, but in Palin's case, I'll make an exception. She's a cretin.

Finally, I think I can sum up the entire convention/primal scream therapy session/circle jerk best with the lyrics to that old song. "Send in the clowns. Don't bother, they're here."


©2014 Kona Lowell