Washington, DC. Republicans, who by the way are "all Ukrainians now," are beside themselves with shame and embarrassment that President Barack Obama seems unwilling or unable to display the proper alpha male chest-pounding and feces-throwing that defines their idea of US foreign policy. Or as battle-scarred commando Lindsey Graham stated to Candy Crowley this past weekend:
"Well, number one, stop going on television and trying to threaten thugs and dictators. It is not your strong suit. Every time the president goes on national television and threatens Putin or anyone like Putin, everybody’s eyes roll, including mine. We have a weak and indecisive president that invites aggression."
Graham is not alone in his panty-twisting contempt for Obama's girlie-man diplomacy. Old warrior Rudy Giuliani, who battled the Viet Cong from the very front stacks of a Manhattan law library, adjusted his bra straps and expressed his tumescent admiration for Vladimir Putin's Bushian style of decisive, head-long, incautious action, "Then everybody reacts. That's what you call a leader. President Obama, he's got to think about it. He's got to go over it again. He's got to talk to more people about it."
Also incensed to the point of extreme huffiness was Charles Krauthammer, who sits ready to wheel himself onto the field of battle shouting "Half a league, half a league, half a league onward, all in the valley of Death rode the six hundred," but instead must watch Obama issue statements that he seems to find in need of testosterone. Said Krauthammer, between bites of a bull testicle sandwich, “You could not have issued a more flaccid statement than what Obama did. Why did he issue it at all? He should’ve just stayed at the White House and gone off and had his happy hour with the Democrats." (Note: "Happy hour" is Republican for gay group sex.)
Senator John McCain, Navy ace, is livid. Of course that is normal, but this time he's even livider. He sees the whole crisis as being "the ultimate result of a feckless foreign policy in which nobody believes in America’s strength anymore." McCain, who is known for having an enormous amount of feck and more than a petting-on-the-first-date audacity when it comes to all things war, wants to desperately demonstrate that strength by, well he's not exactly sure, but it's clear that Obama doesn't possess the machismo to carry it out, whatever it is.
And therein lies the Republicans' — and more specifically the neocons' — problem, and the cause of their impotent, sputtering rage. For years they've been slapping around puny, basically defenseless little countries full of brown-skinned heathens and now they have a chance to take on nuclear-armed Russia and vicariously prove their collective, much-doubted manhood and they know, but won't admit, that Obama is doing what anyone in his right mind would do. So all that's left is to complain shrilly about the calm, stern and determined Obamaesque way in which he's handling it and pretend that if they were in charge, they would do it so much more, well, American, and there would be lots of really cool explosions and everyone would be really, really scared of us. Like Osama bin Laden was of Bush. Oh, wait...
©2014 Kona Lowell