Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Barack Obama's Fault

Remember when we petulant liberals used to blame George W. Bush for his little faux pas that inconvenienced us and the rest of the world? You know, like sitting there blissfully reading My Pet Goat while terrorists he imprudently ignored leveled the Twin Towers. Or starting a needless war based on outright lies that killed possibly one million Iraqis, 4,500 Americans and left another 30,000 of our soldiers wounded. Or flushing the economy down the toilet. Or starting another war in Afghanistan that is now the longest in our nation's history. Things like that. Remember?

Well, it turns out that Bush was a slacker compared to Obama. Of course Bush was a slacker compared to most slackers but I'm talking about in racking up guilt. So much of what is going wrong today is Obama's fault that it's hard to keep the list updated.

For example, Republican politicians and pundits will tell anyone willing to listen — make that every major network — that it is entirely President Obama's fault that Putin invaded and annexed Crimea and is threatening Ukraine. Yes, I know this is the same Putin who invaded Georgia during George Bush's presidency and no one blamed Bush, but that was because Dubya looked into Putin's dead eyes and saw a reflection of his own bankrupt soul. Plus Putin had seen pictures of Bush in a borrowed flight suit and knew that he was muy macho, like him. He knew that Bush's concept of foreign policy was the military equivalent of premature ejaculation and so was completely cowed. Instead, being psychic, he bided his time, waiting for the weakling Obama to become president so he could begin his reformation of the Soviet Union, one piece at a time. Putin would have behaved had Romney become president, because besides being white, Mitt's the kind of guy who looks scarey in his mom jeans. Really scarey. Seeing your parents having sex scarey.

Of course we now know that Obama's renowned weakness with world leaders led to the disappearance of Flight 370 and is precisely why it has not been found, as furious former UN Ambassador John Bolton (and his even more furious mustache) made crystal clear on Fox News. It's Obama's fault for not bombing Malaysia. Or something.

And all of this, from Putin invading Crimea to Malaysian officials not immediately resigning their posts and begging the US to run their country is all a direct result of Obama's feckless handling of — say it with me — Benghazi. Yes, it's Obama's fault that diplomats in a besieged embassy a world away in the middle of a revolution were killed, because the terrorists knew that Obama would just sit there and fill in his NCAA bracket.

But it's not just disasters on the world stage that are Obama's fault. It's clearly the situation here at home as well.

For example, we cannot get immigration reform passed. Why? Because Republicans say Obama cannot be trusted to carry out the law. It's his fault.

The Republicans must resort to voter suppression. Why? Because Obama had the nerve to win. Twice. It's his fault.

West Virginia has contaminated water. Why? Because Obama hates the coal industry. It's karma. It's his fault.

Winter storms have been the worst in history. Why? Because God wants to prove that Obama is wrong about climate change. It's his fault.

Republicans are saying stupider things about rape, women, the poor and minorities every day. Why? Because Obama makes them so angry they can't think straight. It's his fault.

People are being forced to give up lousy, expensive health insurance and replace it with better, cheaper polices. Why? Because Obama ramrodded the ACA through Congress and made it law. It's his fault.

Young Black men are being targeted and killed by older, angry white men with penis issues. Why? Because they look faintly like Obama. It's his fault.

And just this past Monday a long-awaited earthquake struck Los Angeles. Why? Because it's fucking L.A. And that certainly is Obama's fault. But the Republican House is not taking this one lying down. They have rushed through a bill to deal with the President's utter fecklessness in earthquake prevention. They demand that the San Andreas Fault be renamed Barack Obama's Fault.

The bill is expected to die in the Senate. Which, as you know, is Obama's fault.

©2014 Kona Lowell

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