Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The GOP: Champion of Minorities

To hear the Democrats tell it, they are the one party that proudly represents minorities. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sure racial minorities like African-Americans, Hispanics and Asians tend to vote predominantly Democratic, but the Republican Party can boast even more support from a greater number of minorities.

For example, take those 25% of Americans who believe that President Obama was born in Kenya. The Republican Party has a lock on them, as well as the 17% who believe he is a secret (or not so secret) Muslim. That last group is equal to the percentage of Hispanic Americans in the U.S. If the Democrats really wanted to represent minorities, they would work to get the votes of these two groups by demanding Barack Hussein Obama be deported, after of course being forced to accept Christ at gunpoint.

Then there are those souls who Time forgot, people who would be much more at home in the no-questions-asked bliss of the Dark Ages. They turn exclusively to the GOP. This would include the 25% of anti-Copernican Americans who swear on a stack of Bibles that the sun revolves around our Earth and the even larger group of 46% who believe that same Earth is still a tween, geologically speaking.

These same Americans, those who see the pernicious evil inherent in anything scientific, are of course joined by the 37% who know in their guts that climate change is a lie straight from the pit of hell, a hoax created by effete, limp-wristed arugula-eaters who want to destroy our country's greatest achievement: the muscle car. The only way the Democrats could ever hope to claim their votes would be to replace every science textbook in the country with the Cliff Notes to Genesis. And publicly stone Bill Nye to death.

There are yet two other groups, equal in population percentage to African-Americans and Hispanics respectively, who the GOP can count among the minorities they represent, that being the 22% of Americans who believe that states have a right to secede from the Union and the 17% who want to do it this very goddamn minute. There is little the Democrats can do to appease these voters, aside from repealing the Emancipation Proclamation and changing the National Anthem to Dixie. This is unlikely.

There are even yet smaller blocs of voters that only the GOP can count on, one being the 11% of Americans who oppose any and all birth control. The Democrats did try to court them with the Just Say Woo-Hoo to Oral & Anal Sex campaign, but it was unsuccessful.

This of course only skims the surface of the Republican-supporting minorities. There are still those small groups who favor Sarah Palin for president, those who believe that FEMA is setting up death/Muslim-indoctrination/hip hop camps, those who think a government default would be really great for business, those who believe George W. Bush was definitely right about something, those who believe homosexuality is contagious and those who think Brit Hume is a real hunk.

But all of this pales in comparison to the Republicans' smallest minority, one that just barely edges out Native Americans in population percentage at 1%. The filthy rich. The handful who own 46% of not just America's, but the world's wealth. This group includes the now-famous Koch brothers, among other well-heeled sociopaths. Of course the Democrats would love to have their support, but they just aren't able to muster that nonchalant amorality that comes so naturally to the GOP.

So even though the Democrats would happily trade their minorities for the Republicans' 1%, they'll just have to make do with what they have: a majority. Now if they could only get all of them to vote.

©2014 Kona Lowell


  1. Kona, great writing style with a twist of dry humor. The research you put into your topics is only surpassed by your grasp of the political landscape.