Monday, February 10, 2014

A Typical Day in Republican Utopia

Back in 2014, due to gerrymandering, voter disenfranchisement and too many Democratic voters deciding to wait for the 2016 elections, Republicans not only held the House, but captured the Senate. President Obama, although impeached, held on to finish his second term, but was unable to accomplish anything of note, and is now remembered primarily for the failed prison uprising he led. When President Paul took office, Republicans immediately began to put into place those laws and policies they had long desired to enact. These actions effectively killed the Democratic Party and the United States became the Republican utopia conservatives had only dared to dream of creating. The following is a typical day in the life of one such voter.

Bob's alarm goes off. It's 4:00 AM. Time to get ready for work. Bob is thankful for the extra hour of sleep. It makes Saturday his favorite day. He smiles. It's going to be a beautiful one. The red sun is just rising over the nuclear reactors in a spectacular sepia sky.

Bob steps into his coveralls and heads for the kitchen, where his wife Betty has his breakfast ready: a nice hot bowl of genetically-modified beef-parts porridge with an extra scoop of lard and a big glass of Coke Classic. The five kids still living at home will eat later.

Not wanting to be late, Bob gulps the last of his Coke, and picking up his shovel, heads for the door. Betty kisses him on the cheek as he adjusts her leash on the woman-run wire that extends along the ceiling from the bedroom to the kitchen. She will have a busy day homeschooling the five kids. Today they're studying the Great War of Northern Aggression. The children will love the picture of Robert E. Lee and Jesus riding their triceratops into battle together and defeating the Union forces at Gettysburg.

Bob settles into his truckmobile and turns the key. Nothing like the purr of a V-12. As he pulls out of the driveway, he reflects on how fortunate he is that gas is only $3 a gallon, but does regret that his two oldest sons are now on their 4th tours of duty in the Canadian Tar Sands War. He shakes his head and thanks God that they're not stuck in the Mexican Crude quagmire, like their younger brother.

When Bob gets to work, he finds it's going to be a long day. A new trainload of shit has arrived. He tells himself he should have bought that bigger shovel he had his eye on. Oh well, maybe next year. Anyway, at least he's a foreman, or he wouldn't have a shovel at all. But of course with that position comes responsibility and the one thing Bob hates to do is throw his workers into the death pit, but it's just part of the job. Can't shovel shit with a bad arm, and that infection has finally taken its toll on Johnny. And he was the best bowler on their team, too. Bob wipes his hands on his coveralls and realizes how lucky he is that there are no immigrants to steal his job.

It's 7:00 PM and quitting time. Bob is dog tired and looking forward to a genetically-modified beef-parts dinner and watching Fox, which used to be called television. He crosses the Rush Limbaugh Memorial Bridge and takes the White Only exit off the tollway, avoiding the traffic around Prison Town. Pulling into his driveway, he thinks about the mountain of shit to deal with at work, but then relaxes when he remembers that tomorrow is Sunday. Only 8 hours of work, after mandatory service at St. Hannity's. Bob smiles and thanks God that all the liberals have vanished and says to himself, "Imagine how bad things would be if we had gay marriage."

©2014 Kona Lowell


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I know you can't see into the future because everyone know that Coke was outlawed in 2017 because they showed people singing 'god bless america' non-englishly.