Washington, DC. The Republican Party, and its four presidential candidates, are availing themselves of a bit of Hollywood magic to combat the growing perception that they are the party of old, white men and rich people.
"Folks have the misconception that we have a very limited appeal to a large segment of America simply because when our candidates make appearances the audience is primarily old and white and male," said Reince Priebus, Chairman of the RNC. "We're also dealing with a perceived lack of enthusiasm at our events since hardly anyone shows up. So to combat this, we are taking advantage of modern technology. From now on, when one of our candidates speaks, he will have a green screen behind him that will have an encouraging image projected on it.
"We tried this first with our frontrunner, Governor Romney. He has had dismal attendance at his events and is falsely perceived as getting support only from rich people. He also has an undeserved negative approval rating among Latino voters who disapprove of his support of the Arizona immigration legislation. So we have two great bleacher scenes we will be using behind him: one from a NASCAR race in Texas and another from a Mexican soccer game. The crowds are wild. And in the NASCAR scene, you can clearly see that a lot of the people don't have teeth."
"What about Speaker Gingrich and Senator Santorum, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, we've addressed their issues as well. Mr. Gingrich is a hard-sell with black voters, so we have a great clip of the Mt. Zion Baptist Church choir swaying in unison behind him, with the occasional, 'Tell it!', 'C'mon!', and 'Amen!' thrown in for good measure.
"With Senator Santorum, we have a woman issue, so we have an excellent clip of the audience from the Oprah Winfrey Show, the one when they all win cars."
"Do you think this will work with the American people, Mr. Chairman?"
"Chuck, the American people are dumber than a crate full of hockey racquets."
"And how about Congressman Paul? Is he using this method?"
"Yes, we made it available to him, but we still have some bugs to work out. One of his aides accidentally ran the tavern scene from Star Wars."
©2012 Kona Lowell