Washington, DC. After last night's stunning triumph in Ohio, in which former Governor Mitt Romney pummeled former Senator Rick Santorum 37.9% to 37.1% (288 votes), the Romney campaign is basking in the near-certainty that he will be the Republican nominee for president, unless someone else runs.
Said Matt Rhoades, Romney campaign manager, "People are starting to really, really warm to our candidate, because they see him as just like them. We have absolutely sewed up the middle-aged Republican male underwear model vote, the conservative game show host vote and the white, slightly-depressed-but-not-yet-suicidal Republican dentist vote. We're hoping, with a little work, to pick up the self-hating gay Mormon Republican vote soon."
And yet, Governor Romney still struggles to match Senator Santorum's folksy charm and blue-nosed fundamentalist intolerance.
"We're working on that," Rhoades said, "Rick has his sweater vest that he's well known for. We've tried a serape/sombrero combo, stove pipe hats, buckskin jackets, fuzzy slippers and even a red clown nose, but nothing has really stuck. So we're just going with rolling up the sleeves on his five hundred dollar custom-taliored button-down shirt and a a pair of stone-washed jeans. We've got the intolerance thing down. What we really need is a good joke writer."
Meanwhile, Ron Paul continues his Quixotic quest for the presidency by losing every primary with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step.
"We've got them right where we want them now," said John Tate, Paul campaign manager, "you just wait. When the dust clears, Dr. Paul will be the only one left standing. Of course he won't be standing in the White House, but he'll be standing. We fitted him with leg braces."
©2012 Kona Lowell