Washington, DC. After months of closed-door meetings, Republicans have agreed to shorten the term "conservative" to the simpler and easier to spell word "evil."
"Look, it's just too damn long," said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH), "The Tea Party guys that make the signs always get it wrong. Same with "Constitution." You could teach a monkey to spell 'evil.' They'll love it."
"It's not only a hard word to spell," said Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), "It's tough to live up to it. The word 'conservative' implies that one is conserving something. That's not only hard to do, we don't want to do it. We don't conserve anything. That sounds like tree-hugging. That's not us.
"Look, we like war. We don't like poor people or middle class people or anyone who makes under a million a year. We don't like minorities and we aren't that crazy about women, except for the obvious reason. We don't care if you get sick and die because you can't afford health insurance. We don't care if you have a job or if your kids are hungry. We hate gay people, except the ones in the closet in our own party. We don't care if the planet survives the pollution we've churned out for years. We ruined Christianity for everyone. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We're basically evil, so we may as well just go with it.
"The only problem is we've told our base that liberals are evil, so we will have to really work to take back that mantle. But I'm certain we have the people who can do it. You've seen our candidates."
© 2011 Kona Lowell