Scaring Frank Luntz Shitless

Last week in Orlando, Florida, Republican strategist (propagandist) Frank Luntz said, right before soiling himself, "I'm so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I'm frightened to death. They're having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism."

So to counter this, the ever-amoral Luntz changed his shorts, rubbed his hind legs together and came up with a plan, comprised of phrases for Republicans to use to neutralize the message of the 99%.

For example, he advises the other amoral people who constitute the GOP to use the phrase "economic freedom" instead of "capitalism," say "take from the rich" instead of "tax the rich," say "hardworking taxpayers" instead of "middle class," say "career" instead of "job," say "waste" instead of "government spending," say "job creator" instead of "entrepreneur" and finally say "pay for performance" instead of "bonus."

In addition to torturing language and meaning, Luntz also suggested that Republicans never admit to being willing to compromise, never mention sacrifice and most importantly, always blame Washington.

It seems to me that we can do the same thing. Here are a few suggestions:

Instead of "capitalism or "economic freedom," use "unrelenting, slavering, predatory greed." Accompany this phrase as often as possible with a picture of hyenas devouring an antelope carcase.

Instead of "take from the rich" or "tax the rich" use "make those selfish, greedy mothefuckers pay their fair share." Accompany as often as possible with a picture of a French revolutionary holding up a freshly guillotine-severed head.

Instead of "hardworking taxpayers" or "middle class" use "Americans." It is after all 99% of the fucking country we're talking about here. Accompany with a picture of humans.

Instead of "career" or "job" use "work." This will really bother the Republicans. It implies effort. Sweat. Accompany with a picture of a buff, shirtless guy using a jack hammer. This will really piss 50% of them off and excite the other 50%.

Instead of "waste" or "government spending" use "good government," or "government for the people" as long as the money being spent contributes to the health and welfare of the population. We put this money in their hands, by the way, so spending it on services, programs and initiatives that benefit us is the entire point of government.

Instead of "job creators" or "entrepreneurs" use "bloated, life-sucking parasites." Include a picture of some sort of nauseatingly grotesque intestinal worm whenever possible.

Instead of "bonus" or "pay for performance" use "undeserved multi-million dollar blowjob." Accompany this with a picture of laid off workers being thrown out of their homes and another of sweat shops in China.

As for Luntz's other points, demonstrate often how Democrats have tried to compromise to no avail, uphold self-sacrifice as the virtue it truly is (mention Jesus if necessary, they claim to know him) and blame the guilty in Washington, not the ones who are actually trying to accomplish the will of the people. 

The GOP does not play fair. They never have, they never will. They have controlled the message for too long. It's time we not only took off the pink tutus, it's time we fought back. We don't need guns. We have the truth. Let's beat them to a bloody, shapeless pulp with it.

© 2011 Kona Lowell