Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Remarkable, Incredible Kim Jong-Il

Pyongyang, N. Korea. Since the recent death of North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, marvelous facts about the late tyrant have been released to the awe and wonder of the weeping masses. Among these remarkable facts are:

He made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf, scoring 38 under par.

He wrote 1500 books in three years and six full operas in two years.

He invented an invisible telephone and the hamburger.

He began walking at 3 weeks of age and talking at 8 weeks.

A double rainbow filled the sky at his birth.

But did you also know:

That Frank Zappa wrote the Black Page drum solo for Kim, who played it note for note on his first attempt?

That he was lovingly referred to as the Human Tripod by all his girlfriends?

That he could fly like a bat and echo-locate his food?

That he invented those little umbrellas that go in a mai tai?

That he slept standing up with his eyes open?

That he could do pushups with his tongue alone?

That he wrote the soundtracks to over 1200 80's porn movies under the name Johnny Kafka?

That Elvis took singing lessons from him?

That he killed him a bar when he was only three?

That he was actually 6' 7" tall, but stooped so as not to embarrass shorter Koreans?

That he edited the New York Times crossword puzzles under the pseudonym "Will Shortz"?

That he was the original Hans Solo but was replaced at the last minute by Harrison Ford due to contractual conflicts?

That millions of Koreans are really, really going to miss him?

Oh, one other thing revealed in the original bio released by the North Korean government: he never went to the bathroom. Duh.

© 2011 Kona Lowell


  1. And yet, he wandered the halls of his palatial estate, singing "I'm so rone-ry."