Thursday, January 19, 2012

Perry Quits Race, Resumes Role as Village Idiot

Beachslapp, SC. Texas Governor Rick Perry's damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead campaign came to a screeching halt today with his announcement that he was quitting the GOP race for president.

"I am endin' my campaign for president for three reasons. One, for the good of my country. Two, for the good of my party. And three, for...what's that thing called? It's about this big. Shoot.

"Anyhoo, I'm endorsing Newt Gingrich because I'm not in the bettin' bidness. Now I need to get back to Texas and continue my competition with Florida to see which state can be more of an embarrassment to the nation."

Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich's 2nd wife, Marrianne, revealed that the former speaker wanted to have an open marriage so he could have Callista as his full-time mistress. Mr. Gingrich responded this morning on Fox & Friends.

"Gretchen, I blame it on all the French movies I watched. And the French wine. But in reality a menage a trois is really no different than the Holy Trinity if you think about it. Sort of. Kinda."

Tony Perkins of The Family Research Council concurred.

"Newt Gingrich has an almost magical ability to twist theology to fit any situation. It rivals only mine and maybe Pat Robertson's in Christ-shaming cynicism. I think my fellow Christian conservatives can feel very comfortable supporting Mr. Gingrich, a true hero and proof of the redemptive power of money. I mean God."

©2012 Kona Lowell

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