Friday, January 6, 2012

Gingrich Claims Founding Fathers Would Have Outlawed Sexting

Freordye, NH. At a town hall in New Hampshire last Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate and former Speaker Newt Gingrich strongly claimed that the Founding Fathers would have violently opposed the cultivation and use of marijuana by today's American citizens.

“I think Jefferson or George Washington would have rather strongly discouraged you from growing marijuana and their techniques with dealing with it would have been rather more violent than our current government,” said Mr. Gingrich.

"I also believe they would have outlawed speed metal, light beer, hot pants, break dancing and black basketball players taller than 5' 8". And they would have been simply incensed over sexting. They would have sought the death penalty for this. Except maybe Franklin, who would have had a porn studio in the San Fernando Valley."

When asked what he thought was so terrible about sexting, Mr Gingrich replied that it was becoming fashionable among younger teens and could lead to actual sex.

"And my fingers are too fat to type on a phone," the former Speaker replied.

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum has initiated a revival of the sweater vest, causing sweater vest manufacturers to hire new workers just to keep up with the demand.

"It's just boffo," said Thad Wellington-Marbury III of Chevy Chase, MD, "It's grand to be chic again. I have a whole cedar closet brimming with the finest sweater vests. I just wish Mr. Santorum would start wearing saddle oxfords at his next event."

©2012 Kona Lowell

No comments:

Post a Comment