Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Cain Endorsement Sends Gingrich Skyrocketing

Oompaloompa, FL. With these powerfully fustian words, "I hereby officially and enthusiastically endorse Newt Gingrich for president of the United States," Herman Cain lit up the meeting of the Oompaloompa Republican Party and sent Newt Gingrich's popularity skyrocketing among black Republican voters and Tea Party members.

Cain continued in explaining his bold endorsement, "There are many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that I know that Speaker Gingrich is a patriot. Speaker Gingrich is not afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this sausage grinder is all about. I know that he is going through this sausage grinder because he cares about the future of the United States of America.

"And we are both recognized as gentlemen who enjoy having our sausages grinded regularly and often."

Mr. Cain's endorsement came as a welcome and unexpected windfall to the sputtering Gingrich campaign. Said Gingrich campaign manager, Michael Krull, "We knew we had the adultery vote sewed up, but Mr. Cain's endorsement has assured us the much-coveted self-hating black vote. This extra .001 percent of the vote may be just enough to put us over the top. And with Mr. Cain vigorously defending Speaker Gingrich's manifestly racial dog-whistling, we may get that up to .002 percent by the time we hit Alabama in March."

Meanwhile, Ron Paul has been forced to take public transportation to recent events as his interplanetary space craft is in the shop for minor repairs.

©2012 Kona Lowell

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