Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Can't-Miss Predictions for 2014

Most pundits are rightfully hesitant to make predictions, but like Bill Kristol I have never been wrong about anything so all that I forecast here you can drop in the express deposit slot at your local bank. So with 2014 just putting on its shoes, here's what to expect:

Republicans, not content with practically eliminating abortion services in states they control will work to make birth control a luxury item, like Louis Vuitton handbags and Fendi ermine flip-flops, and premarital sex punishable by public stoning.

Women, who outnumber men, will suggest they go fuck themselves and vote to give them plenty of time to figure out how to do that.

Republicans will continue to make it more difficult for minorities to vote, requiring African-Americans to sing at least one Travis Tritt song as proof of citizenship.

Black folk will suddenly realize that they make up almost 14% of the US population and say enough of this fucking shit.

The mainstream media will ask why Obama still refuses to compromise with Republicans and remind us daily that Social Security is bankrupt, and to prove it, will feature scores of white, Republican men on their Sunday talk shows who agree to lie that it is.

The Tea Party will fracture into separate sects, among which will be the Herbal Tea Party (pro-marijuana legalization), the Tee Tea Party (pro-golden showers) and the Tea He Party (men's rights).

MSNBC hosts will tearfully apologize over and over and over, continuing with a tradition started in 2013. Lawrence O'Donnell will ask our forgiveness for being a non-drinking East Coast Irish liberal who wrote for the Communist-inspired West Wing. Reverend Al will will appear in sackcloth and ashes for being terrible at reading the teleprompter and for mentioning James Brown too often. Chris Matthews will tearfully acknowledge his propensity for not letting stupid, lying Republicans get away with being stupid, lying Republicans. Ed Schultz will resign due to unbridled populism and giving a fuck. And in lieu of an apology, Rachel Maddow will dye her hair blond, wear really short dresses, get a boob job, giggle a lot and crinkle her nose when she has to say a really hard word or talk about anything icky.

No one at Fox will apologize for a goddamn thing.

Herman Cain will finally learn how to pronounce Uzbekistan, but no one will ask him to.

Sarah Palin will pose for Playboy. Rich Lowry, editor of the National Review, will be the first person to ever die from excessive masturbation.

Phil Robertson will stun his bigoted audience when he and the boys release their previously unseen gay porn film, titled, you guessed it, Dick Dynasty.

Rush Limbaugh will get married again. The wedding will take place in his favorite vacation spot, the Dominican Republic, where he met his bride-to-be. Twelve year-old Maria says she looks forward to all the candy.

To remove all traces of bias, Karl Rove will replace David Gregory on Meet the Press, and the show will be retitled to Press the Meat to more accurately reflect its content.

Republicans will continue to stifle all progress and look for new and creative ways to screw the poor and middle class, but will do so while wearing more flannel.

Mitt Romney will remain poignantly irrelevant and obscenely wealthy. He will learn to live with it.

To piss off Republicans, President Obama will begin the State of the Union address with "S'up?"

©2014 Kona Lowell

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