Washington, DC. Led by Lindsey Graham (R-SC), Republicans are calling on the Obama administration to declare Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev an enemy combatant, thereby allowing him to be held, questioned and tortured indefinitely.
"Yeah, we pretty much suck at thwarting terrorism or capturing those responsible, but we know how to deal with them, once someone else gets 'em," Graham stated. "Waterboarding is great, but I sorta like the car battery hooked up to the testicles. You really can't hear the screaming with all that water in their mouths."
Yet Republicans remain unfazed by the Obama administration's successes in the intelligence arena.
"Okay, so he took out the Somali pirates and rescued the sailors. And got bin Laden. And his administration has thwarted numerous plots. Okay, they got the Boston guys in three days," said Peter King (R-NY), "but we know how to respond. Take 9-11 for example. We responded immediately. By attacking Iraq. Boom!"
"Yeah, okay, so Bush didn't really think catching Osama bin Laden was particularly important, but he did start the longest war in American history," said John McCain (R-AZ), "You gotta give us credit for something. At least we know how to keep our troops busy."
"All I want to know is when we are going to bomb Chechnya and where it is on the map," said Senator Kelly Ayotte (R-NH). "I heard it was near Georgia. Must be down there by Florida."
©2013 Kona Lowell