Beware of Secret Republicans

Since most of us don't wear labels that declare our political party affiliation or dress only in blue or red to demonstrate our voting preference, how can one discern whether a person is a Republican or a Democrat?

There are some obvious giveaways for Republicans, like "Impeach the Kenyan Tyrant" bumper stickers, a Confederate flag on the back window of a 4x4, a showing-scalp flattop, or an AK-47 strapped across the back of the person in front of you at the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly.

Some Democrats are easy to spot as well, like drama teachers, scientists, people with "Run Hillary" bumper stickers, most of the people in your hot yoga class and just about any Black person you meet who isn't Allen West, Herman Cain or Michael Steele.

But be warned. There are Secret Republicans, and they're not always as easy to identify.

For example, let's say you have a friend who claims to be a staunch Democrat, but all he ever does is talk about what a lousy president Obama is and how the Democrats are all a bunch of corporate whores. Strangely, this person never seems to have a bad word to say about the GOP. This should send up a red flag. So if your friend is not a writer for Fire Dog Lake, he may be a Secret Republican. If he has a Hannity coffee mug on his desk next to a Reagan bobble-head, consider that another red flag.

Or suppose your friend claims to be an Independent. Most people usually identify as such due to sheer political apathy, an astonishing lack of relevant information or extreme narcissism. But this Independent friend is fond of telling you how he votes for the person, not the party and leads you to believe that he often votes for Democrats. Problem is, he begins every sentence with, "Well, Rand Paul says..." Unless your friend is Bernie Sanders, he's probably a Secret Republican.

However, perhaps the most difficult Secret Republican to detect is the person who seems to always be proposing an ideologically pure candidate who doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever sitting behind the desk in the Oval Office. Being that these pie-in-the-sky, proposed candidates are always liberal darlings, one would readily assume that the person suggesting such is a solid, true-blue Democrat. Yet one must ask oneself, "Who exactly would benefit from running a Democrat with absolutely no chance of winning?"

Of course it's quite possible that this naive person is just that — naive — and is not really Karl Rove in a blond wig, Balinese batik and Birkenstocks. But if that same person starts making noises like, "There's no point in voting," and "Both parties are exactly the same," she may be a Secret Republican.

If not, she's just the same sort of useless, unrealistic, Skittle-shitting unicorn now or I pout Democrat that inflicted 8 years of George Bush and the 2010 Tea Party Congress on us. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the same thing.

©2014 Kona Lowell 

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