Friday, October 31, 2014

Konajournal's Handy Guide for Undecided Voters

With the midterm elections just four days away, we at Konajournal have assembled a short questionnaire to assist undecided voters in making an informed choice in this most crucial vote. We believe that all citizens, whatever their race, economic status, gender or age have the right to have their voices heard at the ballot box and indeed the responsibility to make them heard.

Circle the numbers that best describe you. We will tally results at the conclusion.

1. You believe that voter fraud is rampant and that the only way to guarantee the integrity of the vote is to disenfranchise as many Blacks, Latinos, young people, seniors, women and habitual Democratic voters as is humanly possible. You also disagree with the opening paragraph.

2. When George W. Bush took office in 2001, he immediately eliminated the budget surplus President Clinton had left him, tanked the economy, presided over the loss of millions of jobs, started two unfunded wars that cost over 2 trillion dollars and left hundreds of thousands dead while alienating almost the entire world. You refer to this era of American history as "the good old days."

3. You see war as an international football game with guided missiles and enjoy rooting for your team from a safe distance. You also believe that the American military, like a football team, gets rusty during a bye week and therefore should be eternally at war with somebody. Anybody. Plus it's more exciting than NASCAR.

4. You are a devout Christian and believe that the Bible is the error-free word of God, except for the mistranslation in the gospel of Matthew that has Jesus riding a donkey into Jerusalem instead of a triceratops. And all the verses about helping the poor and sick.

5. You think that science is overrated, and are willing to take Sarah Palin's word for it that the climate change hoax is just an effete liberal plot designed to take away your muscle car.

6. Corporations are people. And Mitt Romney is not an animatronic replica of a human being designed to accumulate vast sums of wealth by any means necessary, but an actual human being. And that's his real laugh.

7. Providing health care coverage for 10,000,000 Americans who never had it before will only encourage them to live longer.

8. To protect the weaker sex, all abortion and birth control must be illegal. Abstinence is the only legitimate means of preventing pregnancy, unless you're at the Republican National Convention.

9. There is no such thing as too many guns. And they make great stocking stuffers.

10. God created Black people to entertain us, not govern us.

11. The Koch brothers are selfless, patriotic Americans who spend gazillions to improve the lives of the little guys.

12. You use the "n" word when referring to President Obama but are definitely not a racist. It's a Southern term of endearment, like "bubba."

13. You think your state should secede from the Union and this time it will not result in a humiliating, pathetic ass-kicking because you have an extra pair of shoes.

14. You like the cut of Mitch McConnell's jib.

15. You are Black, Latino, a union worker, a woman, gay, middle class, a student, make under $150,000 per year and are not an asshole.

If statements 1 through 14 describe you, you should vote Republican. If statement 15 best describes you, you should vote Democratic.

If you are still unsure, you're an Independent.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Sunday at 9 AM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio. 


  1. Kona, I think you hit every talking point out there. Thanks for more great writing.

  2. Too bad I didn't see this before the election. I need to watch your blog.. carefully.. and share it immediately.

    And I could never be as funny or as sarcastic as you, and that just sucks. For me.