Washington, DC. With the people having spoken — well, one third of those registered to vote any way — the Republicans now have the wind at their backs and the self confidence that comes from knowing that they are doing the will of the American people. And now that they are set to control both houses of Congress, they can get down to making life better for all of us. I know this is the plan, because they said so. I'm still a bit unclear on why when they win, it's the will of the American people and when we win it's in spite of the will of the American people, but never mind.
So to help you, the little guy, the Republicans are going to create gazillions of jobs and make the economy grow like a gigantic, indestructible dandelion. I know, because they said so. But how to do this?
Well, first you repeal Obamacare. I know, I know, this isn't exactly what everyone had in mind, especially the ten million Americans who now have health coverage and would have to go back to frequenting the ER and, well, dying, but you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. Besides, Obamacare is a "job killer." I know, because they said so. So if all these people lose their health coverage, we will be literally drowning in unfilled, good paying jobs quicker than you can say "pre-existing condition." And, by the way, omelets are very tasty.
Next, build the Keystone XL pipeline. And gut the EPA, because you can't give with one hand and take away with the other. The benefits of this bold move will be twofold: first, tens of hundreds of temporary jobs will be created building the pipeline, but many more are sure to become available in future ecological disasters. And with the job-killing EPA neutered, titans of industry will be free to recreate the glory days of the industrial revolution. Everybody had a job back then, even children. And who knows? Before long, all of us may be driving hybrid cars! Half gas, half coal. Any way, climate change is a hoax. I know, because they said so. Clean air and water are so 1970.
Of course the key to real, lasting prosperity is privatization. I know, because they said so. And where better to start than that white elephant the founding fathers burdened us with, that costly anachronism known as the United States Post Office. I mean, letters? Who writes letters? Okay, so the USPS doesn't get any tax money to operate and thousands of employees would lose their jobs, but it's the principle of the thing. After that we can privatize the police. And the Fire Department. That means none of your tax dollars being wasted doing what the free market can cheerfully do. It'll be just like paying for cable, with similar service.
Finally, the economy will get its biggest jump start by impeaching the Job-Killer in Chief, President Obama, for the high crime of issuing an executive order to deal with the immigration crisis while being tauntingly Black. Then they'll shut down the government. How this will actually improve the economy or create jobs is a bit unclear, but I know it will because they said so. I think it's like severely wounding a fruit tree to make it produce. Or something.
The American people have spoken, and now it's up to the Republican Party to reward us for our trust. I know they won't let us down, because they said so. Now just relax, this won't hurt a bit.
©2014 Kona Lowell
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