Washington, DC. In a stroke of amazing good fortune, Konajournal has obtained a secretly recorded meeting between Republican Representatives Joe Barton and Louis Gohmert, both of the Lone Star State of Texas. The conversation took place during lunch between the two congressmen at a Waco Mexican restaurant, Que La Chinga, and concerns their plans to deal with the David Duke scandal that fellow representative, Steve Scalise of Louisiana, is now embroiled in. We present it here unedited.
"Louis, we got us a peck of trouble right here with this Scalise deal. I mean, no sooner do we get them reins of power back in our hot little hands and we're like to get bucked right off and wind up with a mouthful of dirt. We gotta stay on that sumbitch til the bell, old son."
"Well, I guess we just need to make it clear to our base that we got no truck with them neo-Nazis and Klan boys."
"That is our base, you idjit!"
"Oh yeah. Hey I know what! We make us a mess of tee shirts that say 'Je suis Scalise'!"
"Naw, that won't work. Everyone will think it says 'Jesus Scalise', except for a few of them boys down in Louisiana and they don't read nothin' anyhow."
"Oh yeah. Well... hey I know what! We get him to pal around with that nigger doctor, Ben Carson!"
"That won't help. Carson's a Republican... and stop saying nigger!"
"I can't help it! It just comes natural. I mean I switched to niggra, then colored folks, then Black and now African-American. I just don't know what to call them folks."
"Well just call 'em 'them folks' then."
"Okay. Well, maybe if we just ignore this whole mess it'll go away. Anyhow, them media fellers are easy to put on a new scent. Just holler 'squirrel'!"
"You got that right, but we got another problem."
"Well, seems ol' Steve got himself a bit of tattooing on him a few years ago."
"That ain't no big deal. I got one says 'Mom' right here on my arm!"
"Yeah, well, Scalise has a tattoo across his back. I mean across his whole back."
"What is it?"
"Yep, and underneath it says 'The South will rise again'."
"Holy shit! Well, we just tell him to keep his damn shirt on!"
"Yeah, but that ain't all. He's got another one, tattoo of the greatest general this country's ever known."
"Yep he's got a tattoo of General Robert E. Lee... right on his bum."
"On his bum? Now why would he put Robert E. Lee on his bum?"
"Well, he didn't mean no disrespect. Seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Well hell. Okay. Here's the deal. He just has to take a shower with his clothes on. There's cameras everywhere these days. I mean there could be one down there in the drain."
"Well, that'll work. Except we got one more problem."
"Well, seems Steve got real drunk one night and got a tattoo on his Joe Willie."
"Hell you say! On his Joe Willie?"
"Yep. And it says, Lord help us, 'Don't tread on me.'"
"Holy shit! That musta hurt!"
"Yep. Though most times it just says 'Do me.'"
"You know, unless it's all stretched out, all you can read is 'do me.' Can't read the rest of it."
"Well that ain't no big deal."
"The hell it ain't! He whips that thing out in the Congressional bathroom there's no tellin' what could happen."
"Holy shit. You're right! Okay. Here's the plan. Steve Scalise takes a shower with his clothes on and he wears Depends when he's on the Hill."
"Well, that'll work. Louis, you always figure it out, ol' hoss. Jose! Can you get us some more chips and salsa, son? That stuff's hotter'n fire but it sure is good!"
©2015 Kona Lowell