Monday, August 4, 2014

Our Historic 113th Congress: The Fine Art of Being Useless

Washington, DC. As the most unproductive (or useless, fustian, equivalent in value to a bucket of tepid dog spit) Congress in the history of the solar system begins its five week summer vacation, it might be a good time to assess, as a nation, just where we are.

First, we should give credit where credit is due and edit that opening sentence to read "the most unproductive Republican Congress" because it is entirely the GOP, and specifically their rabid Tea Party members, who have made this 113th Congress one for the record books.

We should also note that according to a recent NBC/WSJ poll a little more than half of our fellow citizens approve of this gridlock, even though it is more than likely giving them severe anal pain, and would prefer that Republicans control both the House and the Senate come November.

That means that every other person you come in contact with is a fucking idiot, which is why I don't go out much.

This is depressing if you function on more than a brain stem. But wait. There's more. Another recent poll shows that a slim majority of Americans believe that Republicans are foreign policy Jedis and aver that the world would be much better off with them at the helm. They believe this even though they disagree with the GOP's policies on Iraq, Afghanistan, Russia and Syria, implying that perhaps they would know how best to handle interplanetary war with Jupiter. Yes, I could have said Uranus for laughs. But do you really want me to talk about Uranus and Republicans in the same sentence?

And yet, all is not lost. Do not despair or abandon hope. Yes, America is like that big, stupid, drunk guy that's fun to watch the game with but you wouldn't invite to your house, but the Republicans are their own worst enemies. Even now, as they are dabbling their fat white toes in the warm Caribbean or cheating on their golf scorecards or cruising leather bars beneath fake mustaches, or whatever they're doing to recover from the debilitating ennui that is is governing, they have an uncanny ability, nay, a nearly magical power, to fuck it all up.

Just wait. When the Tea Party returns from summer camp (where they are learning to tie very scary lanyards and taking target practice on eerily familiar silhouettes), they will launch into more Benghazi hearings, more IRS witch hunts and more impeachment fantasy. This while suing the president for temporarily suspending part of a law they voted against 54 times.

They will also continue with their grand scheme to make the GOP the last bastion of white privilege, unabashed sexism and frenzied xenophobia while doubling up on the anti-science, anti-21st Century tolerance and perpetual warmongering that so endear them to their mouth-breathing, knuckle-walking base, but which the average voter finds just a bit embarrassing, like being caught masturbating in public.

Yet in spite of the Republicans' penchant for incredibly accurate personal foot-shooting, we know that their deranged base is fired up. We know that our base takes mid-term elections off. So there is a problem. And with ridiculously gerrymandered districts, we need a huge turnout or they will hand us our collective butt on a plate. There is one best hope: that the Republicans stay home on November 4th.

This will require presidential action of the boldest kind. President Obama must use the bully pulpit. He must take the lead and address the nation. Our very democracy is at stake. On Monday, November 3rd, he must walk up to that camera, gaze sternly into the face of America and say, "I, President Barack Hussein Obama, command all Republicans to vote tomorrow."

It might just work.

©2014 Kona Lowell

You can hear a reading of this blog every Wednesday at 7 PM Central at Brass Knuckle Progressives Radio.

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