Barack Obama: The Testosterone President

Washington, DC. Republicans are facing a serious dilemma. For years now they have been hunting for (or desperately trying to manufacture) scandals that will not only tarnish but burn the Obama presidency to the ground. So far nothing has worked.

Part of the problem is President Obama's likeability. Even those who may not agree with his policies generally think he's a good guy. And of course he has had a number of historic accomplishments that make their own obstruction, inaction and pettiness all the more noticeable, sort of like the 300 lb. woman with hot pink spandex pants and flaming red hair in front of you in the check-out line at Walmart.

But desperate times call for desperate measures, and since actually governing is right out the window, Republicans have been forced to use other means to keep their information-challenged base foaming at the mouth while maneuvering the Ship of State into the nearest iceberg they can find.

For a time it seemed that the IRS "scandal" just might do it, but that turned out to be a real yawner. Everyone hates the IRS anyway. Then conservatives far and wide achieved maximum tumescence with the Benghazi tragedy. Unfortunately, the response of Americans who get their news from somewhere other than Fox, was (and is) basically, "It's a fucking war zone. Four people got killed in an embassy whose security you defunded. Fuck you."

But Republicans are nothing if not masters of creative destruction, especially when it comes to destroying the swarthy usurper in the White House.

They trumpeted President Obama's overuse of executive orders. "See," they said, "that boy thinks he's a goddang king!" This gained some traction until it was revealed that Obama had issued fewer executive orders than any other president, 187, and that Dubya had issued 291 and Reagan decreed 381. Damn.

So some genius in the Republican brain trust came up with the idea of beating up the President over his inordinate number of vacation days. "Hyuck," the base said, "all that boy does is play golf while there's a war agoin' on!" Unfortunately, this tack too was destroyed by communist media operatives who dug up facts. Like Obama taking 138 vacation days to George W. Bush's 490. This coupled with the clip of Bush on the golf course addressing reporters on the serious issue of global terrorism in which he said, "I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now watch this drive" did not help at all. Double damn.

But now Republicans are playing their ace in the hole.

"President Barack Hussein Obama" said Speaker John Boehner, "has had more (hic) sex in the White House than any president ever. And while a (hic) war is going on. It's disgrace-(hic)-ful."

"And what do you think he doing on his vacations?" asked Senator Lindsey Graham. "Having sex. That's what he's doing. Putin is slipping into Ukraine and President Obama is slipping into...well, you get the picture."

"President Reagan never had that much sex. Neither did President Bush," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "He was cutting brush. Besides, by the time he got to bed at night, Laura was pretty much comatose."

"But what about Bill Clinton, Senator McConnell?"

"You've met Hillary. Besides, he wasn't having sex with a Black woman for God's sake."

That we know of Senator. That we know of.

©2014 Kona Lowell

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