Friday, September 5, 2014

Wanted: Unindicted Republican Candidate

Washington, DC. With yesterday's conviction of criminally inept but boyishly handsome Governor Bob McDonnell and his apparently insane wife Maureen on multiple counts of corruption, the GOP is scrambling to find someone — anyone — who can carry their banner of medieval science, 18th century human rights, middle class-trampling oligarchy and endless war into the 2016 election. The only catch is they cannot be under indictment, under investigation or batshit crazy. So far the Craig's List ad has yielded squat.

Not that McDonnell was being considered for the presidential nomination, but he might have made a formidable vice president, and they'll need a running mate, too. The former governor was a good fit, being telegenic, English-speaking, white, male, as bland as Wonder Bread and wonderfully amoral. In other words, a perfect Republican. However, even Republicans must draw the line somewhere, and that line seems to be federal prison.

Of course the Great White Republican Hope is Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, but with the ongoing investigations into his corruption scandals, even his fuck-you-I'm-the-fucking-Governor style of governance, fetid, corpulent arrogance and noted contempt for the media might not be enough to make him marketable to independent voters, the six moderate Republicans and people who aren't Sopranos fans.

Then there's Governor Rick Perry of Texas, who appears to be launching another quixotic presidential run. But his recent indictment for corruption may hinder this. Not that Republicans have anything against criminals, as they clearly proved by electing Medicare fraudster Governor Rick Scott in Florida, but campaigning while fighting to stay out of prison could be one of those walking-while-chewing-gum situations for the well-coiffed Governor. Note to Governor Perry: It's "You can't hit a man wearing glasses." Hit. Not can't indict him. You're welcome, hoss.

Of course there's always Governor Scott Walker of Wisconsin, who has all the qualifications Republicans admire and emulate: an enchanting, smarmy soullessness, dead fish eyes, an on-going submissive sexual relationship with the Koch brothers and the ability to lie repeatedly without blinking. Add to this that he is doing his damnedest to turn Wisconsin, birthplace of the Progressive Movement, cradle of workers' unions and citizen action into a dystopian conservative shit hole. He's perfect. Or would be, except that he's being investigated for corruption, too. Nuts.

The Republican bench is getting a bit thin. Sure, they've still got Congressman Paul Ryan with his famously bloodthirsty budget, who has aided and abetted Walker's ruination of Wisconsin, but when nuns travel around the country on a bus just to tell voters what an asshole you are, people take notice.

Jeb Bush might have a shot if his name wasn't Jeb Bush.

Marco Rubio? Ted Cruz? Adios, Latino vote!

This leaves Rand Paul. To face Hillary Clinton. Or Joe Biden. Or insert name here.

Sorry Republicans. But hey, don't give up on Craig's List. You might at least find a date for Friday night.

©2014 Kona Lowell

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