Money Talks

Washington, DC. Yesterday Senate Republicans did a tremendous service to liberty loving Americans and God-given free speech by filibustering the cynical, anti-tremendous-piles-of-money amendment that would have overturned Citizens United. Why? Because if there was ever a time we need our citizens united, it's now.

This proposal, authored by suspected communist and hater of democracy, Senator Tom Udall (D-NM), would have restored the power to Congress to set campaign finance limits, which would be like legislating when beautiful, harmless birds may be allowed to sing. This is hardly surprising, coming from the Senator of the "Land of Enchantment." That's right, enchantment, which is another name for witchcraft!

Here is Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell (R-KY) before the freedom-saving vote, reminding us exactly why Kentucky is so fortunate to have him:

"I have to say it’s a little disconcerting to see the Democrat-led Senate focusing on things like reducing free speech protections for the American people. This is what they chose to make their top legislative priority this week. Taking an eraser to the First Amendment."

As usual, Senator McConnell, not wanting to step on any toes, understates the situation. It is not an eraser. It's an atomic bomb laced with Ebola and the spit of ISIS terrorists, being shoved up James Madison's ass.

Some people, mostly Maoists, say that money doesn't equal free speech. Nonsense! Ever hear the expression "Money talks"? Of course you have. It's in the Bible. But not the "Bullshit walks" part. That's in the Apocrypha. Somewhere. But you know what Democrats, especially those from New Mexico who practice witchcraft, think about the Bible.

Anyway, saying multi-gazillionaires like the Koch brothers shouldn't have the right to spend as much as they like on elections is like saying the tallest person shouldn't be first in line. Or that the biggest cars should have to obey traffic laws. Or the woman with the biggest tits shouldn't get paid the most. Or that the fattest person shouldn't get all the food. It's ridiculous.

And the worst part is that Democrats don't believe in prosperity. When I'm a gazillionaire, I want to be able to buy my own Senator. How else am I going to get rid of those pesky environmental laws here that keep me from selling Kona's Spinner Dolphin Burgers and Baby Hawaiian Monk Seal burritos? I call it "The Flavor of Aloha."

So thank a Republican today for standing up for your rights. Thank him for believing in you. Because when you win the lottery or Publisher's Clearing House or discover Captain Kidd's treasure in your trailer park when you're putting in a new septic tank, do you want your vote to count as much as that little shit who bags your groceries?

This is America. Dream big. Dream free. Dream rich. Just don't wake up.

©2014 Kona Lowell

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