Pyongyang, N. Korea. Since the recent death of North Korea's Dear Leader, Kim Jong-Il, marvelous facts about the late tyrant have been released to the awe and wonder of the weeping masses. Among these remarkable facts are:
He made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf, scoring 38 under par.
He wrote 1500 books in three years and six full operas in two years.
He invented an invisible telephone and the hamburger.
He began walking at 3 weeks of age and talking at 8 weeks.
A double rainbow filled the sky at his birth.
But did you also know:
That Frank Zappa wrote the Black Page drum solo for Kim, who played it note for note on his first attempt?
That he was lovingly referred to as the Human Tripod by all his girlfriends?
That he could fly like a bat and echo-locate his food?
That he invented those little umbrellas that go in a mai tai?
That he slept standing up with his eyes open?
That he could do pushups with his tongue alone?
That he wrote the soundtracks to over 1200 80's porn movies under the name Johnny Kafka?
That Elvis took singing lessons from him?
That he killed him a bar when he was only three?
That he was actually 6' 7" tall, but stooped so as not to embarrass shorter Koreans?
That he edited the New York Times crossword puzzles under the pseudonym "Will Shortz"?
That he was the original Hans Solo but was replaced at the last minute by Harrison Ford due to contractual conflicts?
That millions of Koreans are really, really going to miss him?
Oh, one other thing revealed in the original bio released by the North Korean government: he never went to the bathroom. Duh.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Romney Leaving Santorum in His Wake
Sofasleeper, IA. New Iowa polls show Mitt Romney leading all candidates with Santorum trailing behind him. Ron Paul, carefully watching his step, is in second place.
However, the remarkable spurt in popularity of Santorum with Iowa voters has amazed pundits.
"I certainly didn't expect Santorum to be on everyone's lips here," said pollster Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. "This is Iowa, for Pete's sake. Next thing you know, Dirty Sanchez will be Governor."
Silver credits the PAC, Tea Baggers for Santorum, for allowing Santorum to bubble to the surface.
"It's amazing. He simply oozes confidence. He started at the bottom, and just look at him now. He's out of the hole. We could actually find Santorum in the President's chair in the Oval Office."
Meanwhile, Iowa Republican and City Council hopeful Ima Buttplug has withdrawn her petition for a legal name-change.
"I thought it might be a hindrance," said Ms Buttplug, "but with Santorum so popular here, I figure I can slide right in."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
However, the remarkable spurt in popularity of Santorum with Iowa voters has amazed pundits.
"I certainly didn't expect Santorum to be on everyone's lips here," said pollster Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight. "This is Iowa, for Pete's sake. Next thing you know, Dirty Sanchez will be Governor."
Silver credits the PAC, Tea Baggers for Santorum, for allowing Santorum to bubble to the surface.
"It's amazing. He simply oozes confidence. He started at the bottom, and just look at him now. He's out of the hole. We could actually find Santorum in the President's chair in the Oval Office."
Meanwhile, Iowa Republican and City Council hopeful Ima Buttplug has withdrawn her petition for a legal name-change.
"I thought it might be a hindrance," said Ms Buttplug, "but with Santorum so popular here, I figure I can slide right in."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Ben Nelson Tired of Fucking Democrats, Retires
Cornhole, NE. Staunch Democrat Ben Nelson (D-NE) is expected to announce his retirement from the Senate later today. With a total of 23 Democratic seats up for reelection this year, compared to 10 seats for Republicans, many top party officials have been pleading with Nelson to run for one more term, but the Nebraska Democrat is standing firm.
"Look, I'm 70 years old. I've had a long and distinguished career, but I just don't have the energy I used to have and fucking the entire Democratic Party in the ass day after day is taking its toll on me. That's a young man's job. So the best thing I can do is to quit right now and hopefully help in handing the Senate back to the Republicans, God bless 'em. Besides, wearing this damn rug day in and day out makes my head itch."
Meanwhile In Iowa, the ad war between Romney and Gingrich continues with both candidates vying for the title of Most Disinterested in the Middle Class.
© Kona Lowell
"Look, I'm 70 years old. I've had a long and distinguished career, but I just don't have the energy I used to have and fucking the entire Democratic Party in the ass day after day is taking its toll on me. That's a young man's job. So the best thing I can do is to quit right now and hopefully help in handing the Senate back to the Republicans, God bless 'em. Besides, wearing this damn rug day in and day out makes my head itch."
Meanwhile In Iowa, the ad war between Romney and Gingrich continues with both candidates vying for the title of Most Disinterested in the Middle Class.
© Kona Lowell
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Fat, Pasty White Man Apologizes to Beautiful Black Woman
Washington, DC. Representative Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI), has sent a note of apology to Michelle Obama for saying she has a "large posterior." Although the exact words in the note have not been revealed, it is apparent that the Obamas consider the matter unimportant, as they have not responded to or acknowledged the apology.
This is not the first time the portly Sensenbrenner has made comments about the First Lady's figure, reports Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Daniel Bice. It seems that the Wisconsin representative told people at a local church that she has "a big butt."
Sensenbrenner plans to spend the holidays with his family in their sty at Menomonee Falls where they will swill down copious amounts of egg nog, turkey, mashed potatoes, sundry pies and cakes and a generous helping of fresh lard from the solid silver trough he inherited from his father.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
This is not the first time the portly Sensenbrenner has made comments about the First Lady's figure, reports Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Daniel Bice. It seems that the Wisconsin representative told people at a local church that she has "a big butt."
Sensenbrenner plans to spend the holidays with his family in their sty at Menomonee Falls where they will swill down copious amounts of egg nog, turkey, mashed potatoes, sundry pies and cakes and a generous helping of fresh lard from the solid silver trough he inherited from his father.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Libertarian Jules Manson to Change Name
Carson City, CA. California Libertarian and Tea Party activist Jules Manson has decided to change his name after a surprise visit from the Secret Service due to his call to assassinate President Obama and his family. Wrote Mr. Manson on his Facebook page:
"Assassinate the fuken (sic) nigger and his monkey children."
Mr. Manson said today that he was very, very sorry and that obviously his name conjures up negative emotions.
"With a name like that, people automatically expect you to be a violent, murderous freak and weirdo. So I'm changing 'Jules' to 'Jim.'"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
"Assassinate the fuken (sic) nigger and his monkey children."
Mr. Manson said today that he was very, very sorry and that obviously his name conjures up negative emotions.
"With a name like that, people automatically expect you to be a violent, murderous freak and weirdo. So I'm changing 'Jules' to 'Jim.'"
© 2011 Kona Lowell
The Publican Party
There is some question as to when the Republicans first began referring to the Democratic Party as the "Democrat Party." New Yorker magazine editor Hendrik Hertzberg notes that as far back as the Harding administration and through the Joe McCarthy era, Republicans used this term as a frequent insult, but it was Newt Gingrich and Frank Luntz in the 1990's that insisted this term be used and it has stuck ever since. You will rarely hear a Republican refer to the party by its actual name.
There are various reasons why Republicans think this is a useful slur. One is that it galls them to use the word "Democratic" because the word carries too many positive connotations. My feeling is that they enjoy the way the word ends in "rat." Whatever. The point is that it is an intended insult, it is incorrect and should be corrected every time it is used.
To combat this, I suggest we beat them at their own game. Obviously, we have come up with all sorts of variations on "Republican," like Repug, Republicant, Rethuglican, Repiglican, and of course asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers. The problem is, none of these terms can be glibly used by Democratic politicians, strategists, analysts or TV pundits, especially "Repiglican," We need a slyly shortened form of "Republican" that simply sounds like a slip of the tongue.
I humbly suggest "Publican." Here's a brief Wikipedia description of the term. It is yummy:
In antiquity, publicans (Latin publicanus (singular); publicani (plural)) were public contractors, in which role they often supplied the Roman legions and military, managed the collection of port duties, and oversaw public building projects. In addition, they served as tax collectors for the Republic (and later the Roman Empire), bidding on contracts (from the Senate in Rome) for the collection of various types of taxes. Importantly, this role as tax collectors was not emphasized until late into the history of the Republic (c. 1st century BC). The publicans were usually of the class of equites.
At the height of the Republic's era of provincial expansion (roughly the 1st and 2nd centuries BC until the end of the Republic) the Roman tax farming system was very profitable for the publicani. The right to collect taxes for a particular region would be auctioned every few years for a value that (in theory) approximated the tax available for collection in that region. The payment to Rome was treated as a loan and the publicani would receive interest on their payment at the end of the collection period. In addition, any excess (over their bid) tax collected would be pure profit for the publicani. The principal risk to the publicani was that the tax collected would be less than the sum bid.
By New Testament times, publicans were seen chiefly as tax collectors by provincial peoples. It is in this sense that the term is used in Jesus' parable of the Pharisee and the Publican. However, their role as public contractors, especially as regards building projects, was still significant. With the rise of a much larger Imperial bureaucracy, this task of the publicans, as well as their overall importance, declined precipitously. Evidence for the existence of publicans extends as far back as the 3rd century BC, although it is generally assumed that they existed at still earlier times in Roman history. Knowledge of a tentative terminus post quem is taken from the histories of the 1st century AD Imperial historian Livy.
By the time of the Renaissance, the word "publican" meant a tavernkeeper (the licensed landlord of a public house), and by extension a slang term for a pimp. In England in the late 12th century there existed a religious sect called the publicani. Among their beliefs was the view that procreation was a sin.
Is that great or what? Saw the "pimp" part, right? Let's use Publican. Encourage your friends to use it. Encourage your elected representatives to use it. It sounds innocent, just like saying "Democrat" instead of "Democratic." I plan to use this term from here on out and will reserve asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers for special occasions, like funerals.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
There are various reasons why Republicans think this is a useful slur. One is that it galls them to use the word "Democratic" because the word carries too many positive connotations. My feeling is that they enjoy the way the word ends in "rat." Whatever. The point is that it is an intended insult, it is incorrect and should be corrected every time it is used.
To combat this, I suggest we beat them at their own game. Obviously, we have come up with all sorts of variations on "Republican," like Repug, Republicant, Rethuglican, Repiglican, and of course asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers. The problem is, none of these terms can be glibly used by Democratic politicians, strategists, analysts or TV pundits, especially "Repiglican," We need a slyly shortened form of "Republican" that simply sounds like a slip of the tongue.
I humbly suggest "Publican." Here's a brief Wikipedia description of the term. It is yummy:
In antiquity, publicans (Latin publicanus (singular); publicani (plural)) were public contractors, in which role they often supplied the Roman legions and military, managed the collection of port duties, and oversaw public building projects. In addition, they served as tax collectors for the Republic (and later the Roman Empire), bidding on contracts (from the Senate in Rome) for the collection of various types of taxes. Importantly, this role as tax collectors was not emphasized until late into the history of the Republic (c. 1st century BC). The publicans were usually of the class of equites.
At the height of the Republic's era of provincial expansion (roughly the 1st and 2nd centuries BC until the end of the Republic) the Roman tax farming system was very profitable for the publicani. The right to collect taxes for a particular region would be auctioned every few years for a value that (in theory) approximated the tax available for collection in that region. The payment to Rome was treated as a loan and the publicani would receive interest on their payment at the end of the collection period. In addition, any excess (over their bid) tax collected would be pure profit for the publicani. The principal risk to the publicani was that the tax collected would be less than the sum bid.
By New Testament times, publicans were seen chiefly as tax collectors by provincial peoples. It is in this sense that the term is used in Jesus' parable of the Pharisee and the Publican. However, their role as public contractors, especially as regards building projects, was still significant. With the rise of a much larger Imperial bureaucracy, this task of the publicans, as well as their overall importance, declined precipitously. Evidence for the existence of publicans extends as far back as the 3rd century BC, although it is generally assumed that they existed at still earlier times in Roman history. Knowledge of a tentative terminus post quem is taken from the histories of the 1st century AD Imperial historian Livy.
By the time of the Renaissance, the word "publican" meant a tavernkeeper (the licensed landlord of a public house), and by extension a slang term for a pimp. In England in the late 12th century there existed a religious sect called the publicani. Among their beliefs was the view that procreation was a sin.
Is that great or what? Saw the "pimp" part, right? Let's use Publican. Encourage your friends to use it. Encourage your elected representatives to use it. It sounds innocent, just like saying "Democrat" instead of "Democratic." I plan to use this term from here on out and will reserve asshole jerkoff pig-fuckers for special occasions, like funerals.
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Monday, December 19, 2011
Kim Jong-Il Death Overshadowed by Bon Jovi Not Dying
Pyongyang, N. Korea. Repressive North Korean dictator, better known to his starving people as Dear Leader, died Saturday and is none too happy. Said the dead tyrant from the lower levels of hell, "You know what? This sucks. I die, all North Korea is in the streets chanting and wailing and waving a flower named after me, the Kimjongilia, and the whole thing gets ignored because of a fake Bon Jovi death notice. Elvis I could understand, but Bon Jovi? Great hair, but he needs to comb it up. Up! Okay, gotta go. It's time to swim in the lake of fire again."
Kim Jon Un, the dead dictator's son, who will be likely taking over the country, echoed his father's anger.
"You Give Love a Bad Name is an okay tune, but Living on a Prayer is just your standard arena rock, although Sambora's guitar work shines. It should have been someone bigger, like McCartney, who didn't really die and ruin my dad's big day. Oh well, gotta go deprive the people. Later."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
Kim Jon Un, the dead dictator's son, who will be likely taking over the country, echoed his father's anger.
"You Give Love a Bad Name is an okay tune, but Living on a Prayer is just your standard arena rock, although Sambora's guitar work shines. It should have been someone bigger, like McCartney, who didn't really die and ruin my dad's big day. Oh well, gotta go deprive the people. Later."
© 2011 Kona Lowell
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