Oompaloompa, FL. With these powerfully fustian words, "I hereby officially and enthusiastically endorse Newt Gingrich for
president of the United States," Herman Cain lit up the meeting of the Oompaloompa Republican Party and sent Newt Gingrich's popularity skyrocketing among black Republican voters and Tea Party members.
Cain continued in explaining his bold endorsement, "There are many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that I know
that Speaker Gingrich is a patriot. Speaker Gingrich is not
afraid of bold ideas and I also know that Speaker Gingrich is running
for president and going through this sausage grinder. I know what this
sausage grinder is all about. I know that he is going through this
sausage grinder because he cares about the future of the United States
of America.
"And we are both recognized as gentlemen who enjoy having our sausages grinded regularly and often."
Mr. Cain's endorsement came as a welcome and unexpected windfall to the sputtering Gingrich campaign. Said Gingrich campaign manager, Michael Krull, "We knew we had the adultery vote sewed up, but Mr. Cain's endorsement has assured us the much-coveted self-hating black vote. This extra .001 percent of the vote may be just enough to put us over the top. And with Mr. Cain vigorously defending Speaker Gingrich's manifestly racial dog-whistling, we may get that up to .002 percent by the time we hit Alabama in March."
Meanwhile, Ron Paul has been forced to take public transportation to recent events as his interplanetary space craft is in the shop for minor repairs.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Obama Divides Nation in State of the Union Speech
Washington, DC. Last night in his third State of the Union speech, President Barack Obama divided the nation as Republicans had predicted. As Speaker John Boehner said the day before:
"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."
Mr. Obama lived up to Mr. Boehner's dire predictions by talking about military accomplishments, education, energy independence, reviving a fading middle class, regulating the financial sector to prevent another crisis and expecting everyone in the country to pay their fair share in taxes. Republicans were obviously not pleased, as the hey-someone-peed-in-my-martini look on the faces of Cantor, Boehner, McConnell, et al, clearly revealed.
Asked today how he felt about being prophetically correct about the speech, Mr Boehner replied, "There are times when I wish I were wrong. But I was right about President Obama being a divider. The American people want unity, and President Obama has divided us, right smack dab down the middle, 99% to 1%. I can't imagine how he thinks numbers like that will win an election."
Meanwhile, new pee-free martinis have been supplied to the GOP members of Congress.
©2012 Kona Lowell
"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."
Mr. Obama lived up to Mr. Boehner's dire predictions by talking about military accomplishments, education, energy independence, reviving a fading middle class, regulating the financial sector to prevent another crisis and expecting everyone in the country to pay their fair share in taxes. Republicans were obviously not pleased, as the hey-someone-peed-in-my-martini look on the faces of Cantor, Boehner, McConnell, et al, clearly revealed.
Asked today how he felt about being prophetically correct about the speech, Mr Boehner replied, "There are times when I wish I were wrong. But I was right about President Obama being a divider. The American people want unity, and President Obama has divided us, right smack dab down the middle, 99% to 1%. I can't imagine how he thinks numbers like that will win an election."
Meanwhile, new pee-free martinis have been supplied to the GOP members of Congress.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Boehner Forgets His Irony Supplement
Washington, DC. This morning Speaker John Boehner assumed the role of prophet, in the manner of Jeremiah, as he offered this prebuttal to President Obama's 3rd State of the Union address:
"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."
Asked to elaborate, Mr. Boehner stated, "The President has done nothing but obstruct and obstruct since day one. He refuses to compromise. He never acts in good faith. He has made it his goal to see that the Republican Party fails. He continues to put party before country, to the detriment of the American people.
"Not only that, all he does is drink, work on his tan and play golf and cry a lot. Oh wait, that's me. Obama? Good singer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an eleven o'clock tee time."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Special thanks to John House for the idea.
"This is a president who said I'm not going to be a divider, I'm going to be a uniter, and running on the policies of division and envy is—to me it's almost un-American."
Asked to elaborate, Mr. Boehner stated, "The President has done nothing but obstruct and obstruct since day one. He refuses to compromise. He never acts in good faith. He has made it his goal to see that the Republican Party fails. He continues to put party before country, to the detriment of the American people.
"Not only that, all he does is drink, work on his tan and play golf and cry a lot. Oh wait, that's me. Obama? Good singer. Now if you'll excuse me, I have an eleven o'clock tee time."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Special thanks to John House for the idea.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Disgusting Pig and Redneck Asshole Jerkoff Vote Coalesces for Gingrich
Columbia, SC. Last night in here in South Carolina, former House speaker Newt Gingrich made political history by capturing not only the disgusting pig vote but also the redneck asshole jerkoff vote.
Pundits expected Mr. Gingrich to do well among disgusting pigs, but the consensus was that Rick Santorum would pick up the majority of the redneck asshole jerkoff vote with Texas governor Rick Perry out of the race.
"Mr. Gingrich has always had a broad appeal to the disgusting pig voter," said MSNBC's Chuck Todd, "due to his far-reaching, bombastic hypocrisy and utter lack of anything resembling morals. We knew he would do well with this segment of the populace, as well as with the fat rich white guys with small penises sector of the GOP electorate. But the redneck asshole jerkoff groundswell was entirely unexpected."
"Chuck is absolutely correct," said Howard Fineman, Huffington Post editor and MSNBC analyst. "The common wisdom was that Santorum would most certainly pick up the redneck asshole jerkoff vote, but Gingrich upped his game and really brought out the racial stereotyping and jingoism to great effect. Of course it's still too early to say whether he can parlay this into a win in Florida, but with his anti-Muslim rhetoric cranked up a bit, he may surprise us yet again."
Meanwhile, Ron Paul supporters are trying to figure out exactly what they spent $28,000,000 on and why.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Pundits expected Mr. Gingrich to do well among disgusting pigs, but the consensus was that Rick Santorum would pick up the majority of the redneck asshole jerkoff vote with Texas governor Rick Perry out of the race.
"Mr. Gingrich has always had a broad appeal to the disgusting pig voter," said MSNBC's Chuck Todd, "due to his far-reaching, bombastic hypocrisy and utter lack of anything resembling morals. We knew he would do well with this segment of the populace, as well as with the fat rich white guys with small penises sector of the GOP electorate. But the redneck asshole jerkoff groundswell was entirely unexpected."
"Chuck is absolutely correct," said Howard Fineman, Huffington Post editor and MSNBC analyst. "The common wisdom was that Santorum would most certainly pick up the redneck asshole jerkoff vote, but Gingrich upped his game and really brought out the racial stereotyping and jingoism to great effect. Of course it's still too early to say whether he can parlay this into a win in Florida, but with his anti-Muslim rhetoric cranked up a bit, he may surprise us yet again."
Meanwhile, Ron Paul supporters are trying to figure out exactly what they spent $28,000,000 on and why.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Friday, January 20, 2012
Gingrich Wows Phony Christians with Wounded Dignity Gambit
Hippocrassee Beach, SC. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich brought the conservative Christianist crowd to its collective feet of clay twice last night with a stunning display of ersatz wounded dignity and feigned umbrage at John King's unbridled temerity in opening the 137th Republican debate with the offer for Mr. Gingrich to address allegations made by his 2nd wife that he had requested she participate in an "open marriage." Said the candidate:
“I think the destructive vicious negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office. I’m appalled you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that.”
“Is that all you want to say, sir?” King asked.
“Let me finish,” Gingrich, retorted. “Every person in here knows personal pain. Every person in here has had someone close to them go through painful things. To take an ex-wife and make it two days before the primary, a significant question in a presidential campaign, is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine. My two daughters, my two daughters wrote the head of ABC and made the point that it was wrong, that they should pull it, and I am, frankly, astounded that CNN would take trash like that and use it to open a presidential debate.”
“This story did not come from our network,” King replied. “As you also know, it is the subject of conversation on the campaign. I get your point, I take –”
“John, it was repeated by your network,” Gingrich interrupted. “You chose to start the debate with it. Don’t blame it on somebody else. You and your staff chose to start the debate with it.”
Mr. Gingrich, who worked tirelessly to destroy, humiliate and remove a sitting president for having an extramarital affair while he was himself engaged in one at the same time, spent the rest of the debate firing off answers from atop his high horse to the delight of all in attendance.
Said audience member Robert E. Lee Ewell:
"I was a Santorum supporter until Mr. Gingrich put that uppity Juan Williams boy in his place a couple days ago, but this seals the deal. Newt didn't just shoot the messenger, he napalmed the messenger, then shot him full of holes, then ran over him with a damn tank.
"If these media types want to ask questions about politicians' sex lives, they should start with the Democrats. Hell, Barack Hussein Obama is ruttin' a black woman in the White House! We believe in redemption, as long as you're right with God. And by that I mean white and Republican, like Jesus."
©2012 Kona Lowell
“I think the destructive vicious negative nature of much of the news media makes it harder to govern this country, harder to attract decent people to run for public office. I’m appalled you would begin a presidential debate on a topic like that.”
“Is that all you want to say, sir?” King asked.
“Let me finish,” Gingrich, retorted. “Every person in here knows personal pain. Every person in here has had someone close to them go through painful things. To take an ex-wife and make it two days before the primary, a significant question in a presidential campaign, is as close to despicable as anything I can imagine. My two daughters, my two daughters wrote the head of ABC and made the point that it was wrong, that they should pull it, and I am, frankly, astounded that CNN would take trash like that and use it to open a presidential debate.”
“This story did not come from our network,” King replied. “As you also know, it is the subject of conversation on the campaign. I get your point, I take –”
“John, it was repeated by your network,” Gingrich interrupted. “You chose to start the debate with it. Don’t blame it on somebody else. You and your staff chose to start the debate with it.”
Mr. Gingrich, who worked tirelessly to destroy, humiliate and remove a sitting president for having an extramarital affair while he was himself engaged in one at the same time, spent the rest of the debate firing off answers from atop his high horse to the delight of all in attendance.
Said audience member Robert E. Lee Ewell:
"I was a Santorum supporter until Mr. Gingrich put that uppity Juan Williams boy in his place a couple days ago, but this seals the deal. Newt didn't just shoot the messenger, he napalmed the messenger, then shot him full of holes, then ran over him with a damn tank.
"If these media types want to ask questions about politicians' sex lives, they should start with the Democrats. Hell, Barack Hussein Obama is ruttin' a black woman in the White House! We believe in redemption, as long as you're right with God. And by that I mean white and Republican, like Jesus."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Perry Quits Race, Resumes Role as Village Idiot
Beachslapp, SC. Texas Governor Rick Perry's damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead campaign came to a screeching halt today with his announcement that he was quitting the GOP race for president.
"I am endin' my campaign for president for three reasons. One, for the good of my country. Two, for the good of my party. And three, for...what's that thing called? It's about this big. Shoot.
"Anyhoo, I'm endorsing Newt Gingrich because I'm not in the bettin' bidness. Now I need to get back to Texas and continue my competition with Florida to see which state can be more of an embarrassment to the nation."
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich's 2nd wife, Marrianne, revealed that the former speaker wanted to have an open marriage so he could have Callista as his full-time mistress. Mr. Gingrich responded this morning on Fox & Friends.
"Gretchen, I blame it on all the French movies I watched. And the French wine. But in reality a menage a trois is really no different than the Holy Trinity if you think about it. Sort of. Kinda."
Tony Perkins of The Family Research Council concurred.
"Newt Gingrich has an almost magical ability to twist theology to fit any situation. It rivals only mine and maybe Pat Robertson's in Christ-shaming cynicism. I think my fellow Christian conservatives can feel very comfortable supporting Mr. Gingrich, a true hero and proof of the redemptive power of money. I mean God."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"I am endin' my campaign for president for three reasons. One, for the good of my country. Two, for the good of my party. And three, for...what's that thing called? It's about this big. Shoot.
"Anyhoo, I'm endorsing Newt Gingrich because I'm not in the bettin' bidness. Now I need to get back to Texas and continue my competition with Florida to see which state can be more of an embarrassment to the nation."
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich's 2nd wife, Marrianne, revealed that the former speaker wanted to have an open marriage so he could have Callista as his full-time mistress. Mr. Gingrich responded this morning on Fox & Friends.
"Gretchen, I blame it on all the French movies I watched. And the French wine. But in reality a menage a trois is really no different than the Holy Trinity if you think about it. Sort of. Kinda."
Tony Perkins of The Family Research Council concurred.
"Newt Gingrich has an almost magical ability to twist theology to fit any situation. It rivals only mine and maybe Pat Robertson's in Christ-shaming cynicism. I think my fellow Christian conservatives can feel very comfortable supporting Mr. Gingrich, a true hero and proof of the redemptive power of money. I mean God."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Monday, January 16, 2012
Earth Wobbles Momentarily as Huntsman Quits Race
Beachbeach Beach, SC. People worldwide had something of a fright this morning when the earth momentarily was shifted off its axis by Jon Huntsman's surprise announcement that he was leaving the presidential race.
The former ambassador to China had this to say about this year's rough and tumble campaign season:
"This race has degenerated into an onslaught of negative and personal attacks not worthy of the American people and not worthy of this critical time in our nation's history." He called on those remaining in the race to "cease attacking" each other. Mr. Huntsman had previously claimed that Mr. Romney was a flip-flopper, liar, fake conservative, corporate raider, job-killer and lousy dancer.
The former Utah governor has now thrown his support at Mitt Romney.
"I appreciate Jon's support," Mr. Romney stated, "but wish he had not attached it to a brick. The doctor says I should have the stitches out in a week."
Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich is working on a new documentary chronicling pedophilia in Mormon history.
©2012 Kona Lowell
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