Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Republicans Try to Rein-in Late-Night Comics, Fail
Washington, DC. Having spent the past couple years as the butt of late night comedians' jokes, the GOP is desperately trying to gain control of the situation.
"We thought that with Herman Cain, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann out of the race, we might catch a break," said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, "but Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney have taken up the slack. We just can't stop making people laugh. Hell, even my name is ridiculous. Sounds like an STD."
"With Mitt constantly saying something face-palm worthy, Santorum frothing at the mouth about religion, birth control and the perils of education and Gingrich talking moon bases," said Karl Rove, GOP strategist, "we may as well just join the writing staffs for Letterman, Colbert, Stewart, Conan, SNL and all the rest of them. We're writing this shit for them anyway."
"Fortunately, I have come up with a very workable idea," said Frank Luntz, putz, "that will put an end to the far-left comedians' seemingly bottomless well of GOP material. I have instructed all candidates, except Ron Paul, to say nothing. When asked a question, they are to stare at the camera and smile. Sort of like Reagan. If they don't say anything, they can't make fun of them. Piece of cake."
"So did you see the smile on Romney today?" asked David Letterman tonight, "I've seen Doberman Pinschers with friendlier smiles."
"Apparently, Rick Santorum has taken a vow of silence," said Jon Stewart tonight on the Daily Show, "or somebody tied his bleep to his tongue."
"Newt, we liked you better when you just frowned a lot and predicted Armageddon," said Conan O'Brien this evening, "Much sexier, Commander Moonbat. But a picture's worth a thousand words. Unfortunately, all one thousand of them are "Ha."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"We thought that with Herman Cain, Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann out of the race, we might catch a break," said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, "but Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney have taken up the slack. We just can't stop making people laugh. Hell, even my name is ridiculous. Sounds like an STD."
"With Mitt constantly saying something face-palm worthy, Santorum frothing at the mouth about religion, birth control and the perils of education and Gingrich talking moon bases," said Karl Rove, GOP strategist, "we may as well just join the writing staffs for Letterman, Colbert, Stewart, Conan, SNL and all the rest of them. We're writing this shit for them anyway."
"Fortunately, I have come up with a very workable idea," said Frank Luntz, putz, "that will put an end to the far-left comedians' seemingly bottomless well of GOP material. I have instructed all candidates, except Ron Paul, to say nothing. When asked a question, they are to stare at the camera and smile. Sort of like Reagan. If they don't say anything, they can't make fun of them. Piece of cake."
"So did you see the smile on Romney today?" asked David Letterman tonight, "I've seen Doberman Pinschers with friendlier smiles."
"Apparently, Rick Santorum has taken a vow of silence," said Jon Stewart tonight on the Daily Show, "or somebody tied his bleep to his tongue."
"Newt, we liked you better when you just frowned a lot and predicted Armageddon," said Conan O'Brien this evening, "Much sexier, Commander Moonbat. But a picture's worth a thousand words. Unfortunately, all one thousand of them are "Ha."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Friday, February 24, 2012
Republicans Have Gas
Washington, DC. With the economy improving, the stock market at record levels, GM leading the auto industry, foreign policy deemed successful, marriage equality gaining ground state by state and the birth control issue having exploded in their faces like a cheap trick cigar, the Republican Party has finally found an issue they believe they can run on and defeat President Obama with: gas prices.
All four GOP candidates are hitting the stump and loudly blaming the president for high prices at the pump while promising that if they are elected, gas prices will magically plummet to Flock of Seagulls era levels. That there is no explanation of exactly how this is to be accomplished seems to be irrelevant to the Republican faithful, a group well-known for their disdain for reason and facts. The important thing is that high gas prices are perceived as Obama's Achilles Heel.
Asked how they intend to counter this powerful argument, Press Secretary Jay Carney responded, "Um, we can say that the President has nothing to do with gas prices and that Republicans are batshit crazy?"
"Damn," said Speaker John Boehner, "That Obama is one tricky son of a bitch."
©2012 Kona Lowell
All four GOP candidates are hitting the stump and loudly blaming the president for high prices at the pump while promising that if they are elected, gas prices will magically plummet to Flock of Seagulls era levels. That there is no explanation of exactly how this is to be accomplished seems to be irrelevant to the Republican faithful, a group well-known for their disdain for reason and facts. The important thing is that high gas prices are perceived as Obama's Achilles Heel.
Asked how they intend to counter this powerful argument, Press Secretary Jay Carney responded, "Um, we can say that the President has nothing to do with gas prices and that Republicans are batshit crazy?"
"Damn," said Speaker John Boehner, "That Obama is one tricky son of a bitch."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
GOP Working to Attract Minority, Women, Gay and Union Voters
Washington, DC. Republican pollster Frank Luntz and campaign guru Karl Rove have teamed up to draw minority, gay, women and union voters to the Republican Party.
"We are going to need all these votes to win in November," said Luntz. "especially the Hispanic vote."
"That's exactly right, Frank. People look at our persecution of minorities, our dehumanizing of the LGBT community, our assault on women's health and rights and our efforts to stomp out unions and assume we don't want these people to vote for our candidates," said Rove. "Nothing could be further from the truth."
"Exactly, Karl! But you and I realize from personal experience that playing hard-to-get is very attractive."
"It sure is, Frank. We both went through that in high school. That girl drove me nuts. Never could get a date with her. She called me the Pillsbury Dough Boy. But I eventually hired her years later and boy did I get even."
"That's right. Same thing happened to me. See, voters like to be mistreated. Americans are basically masochists, so the more we act like we hate them, the more they will simply have to vote for us."
"Worked with Bush."
"Goddamn right, Karl. You dated girls? What was it like?"
©2012 Kona Lowell
"We are going to need all these votes to win in November," said Luntz. "especially the Hispanic vote."
"That's exactly right, Frank. People look at our persecution of minorities, our dehumanizing of the LGBT community, our assault on women's health and rights and our efforts to stomp out unions and assume we don't want these people to vote for our candidates," said Rove. "Nothing could be further from the truth."
"Exactly, Karl! But you and I realize from personal experience that playing hard-to-get is very attractive."
"It sure is, Frank. We both went through that in high school. That girl drove me nuts. Never could get a date with her. She called me the Pillsbury Dough Boy. But I eventually hired her years later and boy did I get even."
"That's right. Same thing happened to me. See, voters like to be mistreated. Americans are basically masochists, so the more we act like we hate them, the more they will simply have to vote for us."
"Worked with Bush."
"Goddamn right, Karl. You dated girls? What was it like?"
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Franklin Graham Dons Asshat on Morning Joe
New York, NY. Evangelist Franklin Graham started the day out today by smugly questioning President Barack Obama's faith and wondering aloud if he may really be a Muslim. When confronted with the fact that he accepts serial adulterer Newt Gingrich's Christianity while doubting Obama's, Reverend Graham replied:
“All I know is that under Obama, President Obama, the Muslims of the world he seems to be more concerned about them than the Christians that are being murdered.”
And yet Rev. Graham could not quite bring himself to definitively say that the president is Muslim, but did state that "Islam has gotten a free pass under Obama."
"How so Reverend Graham?" Willie Geist asked.
"There are still some alive."
©2012 Kona Lowell
“All I know is that under Obama, President Obama, the Muslims of the world he seems to be more concerned about them than the Christians that are being murdered.”
And yet Rev. Graham could not quite bring himself to definitively say that the president is Muslim, but did state that "Islam has gotten a free pass under Obama."
"How so Reverend Graham?" Willie Geist asked.
"There are still some alive."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Monday, February 20, 2012
Another ESPN Editor Fired, Pleads Insanity
New York, NY. Anthony Federico, the ESPN editor fired for his "Chink in the Armor" headline on a story about Knicks phenom, Chinese-American Jeremy Lin, has offered an apology:
“This had nothing to do with me being cute or punny,” Anthony Federico told the New York Daily News. “I’m so sorry that I offended people. I’m so sorry if I offended Jeremy.”
His replacement, Josh Asskin, lasted one day after posting the headline, "A Spade is a Spade: Udonis Haslem Upbraided for Niggardly Ball-Handling."
Said Mr. Asskin after being ushered out the door of ESPN's headquarters, "What?"
©2012 Kona Lowell
“This had nothing to do with me being cute or punny,” Anthony Federico told the New York Daily News. “I’m so sorry that I offended people. I’m so sorry if I offended Jeremy.”
His replacement, Josh Asskin, lasted one day after posting the headline, "A Spade is a Spade: Udonis Haslem Upbraided for Niggardly Ball-Handling."
Said Mr. Asskin after being ushered out the door of ESPN's headquarters, "What?"
©2012 Kona Lowell
Friday, February 17, 2012
Issa Defends All-Testosterone Panel at Birth Control Hearing
Washington, DC. House Oversight Committee Chairman Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) stood by his decision to prevent Georgetown law student, Sandra Fluke, from testifying at his hearing on the Obama administration’s new birth control rule
yesterday, telling Fox News host Greta Van Susteren that Fluke's testimony was not relevant.
"We had a carefully hand-picked panel of experts on women's issues, including a fundamentalist minister, a priest and a rabbi. I can't imagine anything being more fair than that. The fact that all of them oppose birth control simply shows that the majority of Americans are in agreement. Adding Ms. Fluke to the mix would not have been helpful, and might have scarred her emotionally. Besides, this was a political and religious hearing, not the Oprah show.
"Look, when women are cooking dinner or ironing or scrubbing the floor or changing the babies' diapers or satisfying their husbands' sexual needs, do they want a bunch of men commenting on their work? Of course not! They have a natural talent for these things, just as we men have a natural talent for deciding what's best for them and making sure they do it."
"But Mr. Issa, would it have really hurt to let the young woman give her testimony?"
"Greta, it was just a Fluke."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"We had a carefully hand-picked panel of experts on women's issues, including a fundamentalist minister, a priest and a rabbi. I can't imagine anything being more fair than that. The fact that all of them oppose birth control simply shows that the majority of Americans are in agreement. Adding Ms. Fluke to the mix would not have been helpful, and might have scarred her emotionally. Besides, this was a political and religious hearing, not the Oprah show.
"Look, when women are cooking dinner or ironing or scrubbing the floor or changing the babies' diapers or satisfying their husbands' sexual needs, do they want a bunch of men commenting on their work? Of course not! They have a natural talent for these things, just as we men have a natural talent for deciding what's best for them and making sure they do it."
"But Mr. Issa, would it have really hurt to let the young woman give her testimony?"
"Greta, it was just a Fluke."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Sunday, February 12, 2012
GOP Sews Up Anti-Birth-Control Vote
Washington, DC. Republicans are celebrating President Barack Obama's compromise on the contraception provision and see it as a pivotal, game-changing issue that will put them back in the White House.
"This misstep by the President will come back to haunt him in November," said Speaker John Boehner. "We now hold the moral high ground with that very vocal 2% of the population that does not use birth control. Couple that with our supporters who believe Mr. Obama is a foreign-born Muslim, and we have a Republican juggernaut that just can't be denied.
"Our next step, of course, will be to continue to push for the complete defunding of Planned Parenthood and in so doing garner the votes of the 10% of women around the country who have never used their services. Politicizing women's health issues is just our way of restoring America to her former grandeur, when women were chattel, and damn happy about it. Well, at least the men were happy anyway."
Candidates Rick Santorum, father of eight, and Mitt Romney, father of five, agreed.
"My wife is a human brood mare," said Mr. Santorum, "and thrilled to death to be one. The Democrat Party tells the poor and middle class that they care about them. And yet the want to deprive them of the riches and blessings of having a dozen or so kids. God commanded us to be fruitful and multiply."
Asked about the Biblical mandate to help the poor, Mr. Santorum replied that allowing every needy family to field their own pee wee football team was a step in that direction.
©2012 Kona Lowell
"This misstep by the President will come back to haunt him in November," said Speaker John Boehner. "We now hold the moral high ground with that very vocal 2% of the population that does not use birth control. Couple that with our supporters who believe Mr. Obama is a foreign-born Muslim, and we have a Republican juggernaut that just can't be denied.
"Our next step, of course, will be to continue to push for the complete defunding of Planned Parenthood and in so doing garner the votes of the 10% of women around the country who have never used their services. Politicizing women's health issues is just our way of restoring America to her former grandeur, when women were chattel, and damn happy about it. Well, at least the men were happy anyway."
Candidates Rick Santorum, father of eight, and Mitt Romney, father of five, agreed.
"My wife is a human brood mare," said Mr. Santorum, "and thrilled to death to be one. The Democrat Party tells the poor and middle class that they care about them. And yet the want to deprive them of the riches and blessings of having a dozen or so kids. God commanded us to be fruitful and multiply."
Asked about the Biblical mandate to help the poor, Mr. Santorum replied that allowing every needy family to field their own pee wee football team was a step in that direction.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hoax
Rick Santorum says he's never believed in the "hoax of global warming." We're even, Rick. I've never believed in the hoax of compassionate conservatism.
©2012 Kona Lowell
©2012 Kona Lowell
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
GOP Legislates Own Personal Reality
Washington, DC. Last Thursday House Republicans took time out from their Herculean undertaking of creating gazillions of jobs to soundly and unanimously defeat a proposition that would have affirmed that Bush's debt-funded tax cuts destroyed the budget and helped cause the financial collapse. The Republican bill changes the way math functions to establish once and for all that unpaid-for tax cuts do not increase deficits. A party was held afterwards.
Next week the Republican House will take a break from creating bazillions of jobs to pass legislation declaring that Bush killed Osama bin Laden, that large quantities of little chocolate donuts reduce obesity and that women don't really mean "no" when they say "no." All three pieces of legislation are expected to pass easily.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Next week the Republican House will take a break from creating bazillions of jobs to pass legislation declaring that Bush killed Osama bin Laden, that large quantities of little chocolate donuts reduce obesity and that women don't really mean "no" when they say "no." All three pieces of legislation are expected to pass easily.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Friday, February 3, 2012
Santorum Belts Homerun for Big Pharma, Jesus
Woodland Park, CO. Christianist presidential candidate Rick Santorum caused something of a stir Wednesday when he became embroiled in an argument with a mother and her sick child about the price of life-saving drugs. Mr. Santorum's view is that drug companies should be able to sell their products for whatever they see fit. Said the GOP candidate:
"People have no problem paying $900 for an iPad, but paying $900 for a drug they have a problem with - it keeps you alive. Why? Because you've been conditioned to think health care is something you can get without having to pay for it."
The mother countered that her son, who suffers from schizophrenia and uses the drug Abilify, could run up a cost of $1,000,000 per year and that many children were suffering and dying due to the inability to afford medicine.
Unmoved, Mr. Santorum responded that profit is the incentive for drug companies to produce drugs that save lives.
""He's alive today because drug companies provide care," Santorum said. "And if they didn't think they could make money providing that drug, that drug wouldn't be here. I sympathize with these compassionate cases. … I want your son to stay alive on much-needed drugs. Fact is, we need companies to have incentives to make drugs. If they don't have incentives, they won't make those drugs. We either believe in markets or we don't."
Asked how this seemingly callous attitude fit in with his staunch Christian beliefs, Mr Santorum responded, "The Lord Jesus Christ instructed us to 'suffer the little children to come unto Him.' I intend to make sure they do just that before they go."
©2012 Kona Lowell
"People have no problem paying $900 for an iPad, but paying $900 for a drug they have a problem with - it keeps you alive. Why? Because you've been conditioned to think health care is something you can get without having to pay for it."
The mother countered that her son, who suffers from schizophrenia and uses the drug Abilify, could run up a cost of $1,000,000 per year and that many children were suffering and dying due to the inability to afford medicine.
Unmoved, Mr. Santorum responded that profit is the incentive for drug companies to produce drugs that save lives.
""He's alive today because drug companies provide care," Santorum said. "And if they didn't think they could make money providing that drug, that drug wouldn't be here. I sympathize with these compassionate cases. … I want your son to stay alive on much-needed drugs. Fact is, we need companies to have incentives to make drugs. If they don't have incentives, they won't make those drugs. We either believe in markets or we don't."
Asked how this seemingly callous attitude fit in with his staunch Christian beliefs, Mr Santorum responded, "The Lord Jesus Christ instructed us to 'suffer the little children to come unto Him.' I intend to make sure they do just that before they go."
©2012 Kona Lowell
Obama Continues to Hide His Muslim Faith
Washington, DC. After a hearty breakfast of eggs, English muffins and extra helpings of crispy bacon, President Barack Hussein Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday morning. Quoting the Christian Jesus several times, without even once saying "Peace be upon Him," Mr. Obama shocked his detractors by showing up without a prayer rug or facing Mecca while praying.
There were however subtle hints that the elaborate cover, which involved years of regular attendance at a "Christian" church, may be beginning to unravel, as the President came dangerously close to acknowledging Islam as a non-demonic world faith, and even mentioned it before Judaism, when he cagily stated while proposing tax increases on the wealthiest Americans:
“For me, as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus' teaching that ‘for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.' It mirrors the Islamic belief that those who’ve been blessed have an obligation to use those blessings to help others, or the Jewish doctrine of moderation and consideration for others.”
But Mr. Obama was not yet finished praising Islam and naming it ahead of Judaism when he said:
“I know that far too many neighbors in our country have been hurt and treated unfairly over the last few years, and I believe in God’s command to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself.' I know the version of that Golden Rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs -– from Hinduism to Islam to Judaism to the writings of Plato.”
Ralph Reed, of the Faith and Freedom Foundation, also known for his failed bid for Lieutenant Governor and for accepting secret payments from Jack Abramoff in the Indian Gaming Scandal, took umbrage at Mr. Obama's attempt to connect Jesus' teachings with fairness or helping the poor. Mr. Reed said that for the president to tie his tax policy to Jesus’ teachings “is theologically threadbare and straining credulity. I felt like it was over the line and not the best use of the forum. It showed insufficient level of respect for what the office of the president has historically brought to that moment.”
Mr. Reed also asked the press to try to find some way to make his opinion relevant once again.
Mr. Obama, however, laughed off the negative comments and left immediately to enjoy a hearty lunch of nice, crispy pork chops. With hummus and tabouli.
©2012 Kona Lowell
There were however subtle hints that the elaborate cover, which involved years of regular attendance at a "Christian" church, may be beginning to unravel, as the President came dangerously close to acknowledging Islam as a non-demonic world faith, and even mentioned it before Judaism, when he cagily stated while proposing tax increases on the wealthiest Americans:
“For me, as a Christian, it also coincides with Jesus' teaching that ‘for unto whom much is given, much shall be required.' It mirrors the Islamic belief that those who’ve been blessed have an obligation to use those blessings to help others, or the Jewish doctrine of moderation and consideration for others.”
But Mr. Obama was not yet finished praising Islam and naming it ahead of Judaism when he said:
“I know that far too many neighbors in our country have been hurt and treated unfairly over the last few years, and I believe in God’s command to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself.' I know the version of that Golden Rule is found in every major religion and every set of beliefs -– from Hinduism to Islam to Judaism to the writings of Plato.”
Ralph Reed, of the Faith and Freedom Foundation, also known for his failed bid for Lieutenant Governor and for accepting secret payments from Jack Abramoff in the Indian Gaming Scandal, took umbrage at Mr. Obama's attempt to connect Jesus' teachings with fairness or helping the poor. Mr. Reed said that for the president to tie his tax policy to Jesus’ teachings “is theologically threadbare and straining credulity. I felt like it was over the line and not the best use of the forum. It showed insufficient level of respect for what the office of the president has historically brought to that moment.”
Mr. Reed also asked the press to try to find some way to make his opinion relevant once again.
Mr. Obama, however, laughed off the negative comments and left immediately to enjoy a hearty lunch of nice, crispy pork chops. With hummus and tabouli.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Romney Clears Up "Very Poor" Comment
Adelson, NV. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney and his campaign are working feverishly to undo the gaffe that drew condemnation from the likes of even conservatives such as National Review's Jonah Goldberg, The Weekly Standard's John McCormack and radio host Rush Limbaugh. The quote that sparked all the trouble was Mr. Romney's admittance to CNN that “I’m not concerned about the very poor, we have a safety net there.”
Mr. Limbaugh responded, “The safety net is one of the biggest cultural problems we’ve got! We had better be worried about it just like we had better get angry over Obamacare. Obamacare is worth getting mad about. Mitt said that it wasn’t. This biz, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there’? Right, the safety net is contributing to the destruction of their humanity and their futures! “
So today Mr. Romney appeared before journalists in Nevada to explain what he really meant.
"My remarks were taken out of context, and on top of that, I misspoke, ha ha ha. I did not mean "the very poor," but very poor circus performers, ha ha ha. We have all spent many enjoyable evenings at the circus, eating cotton corn dogs, hot fudge waffles and caramel frogs, and as you know if you're a circus buff like me, some of the performers are very good and some are not. Now when a tightrope walker is not particularly skilled, he is likely to fall off the tightrope, but fortunately there is a safety net below him so that he will not be injured. That's why I'm not concerned about him. And if that safety net has any structural issues, I will personally repair it."
"So you will be following the circus around the country, Governor?"
"I think I'm already doing that, Chuck."
Meanwhile, Rick Santorum is playing the last 5 minutes of Spartacus on a continuous loop for his campaign workers.
©2012 Kona Lowell
Mr. Limbaugh responded, “The safety net is one of the biggest cultural problems we’ve got! We had better be worried about it just like we had better get angry over Obamacare. Obamacare is worth getting mad about. Mitt said that it wasn’t. This biz, ‘I’m not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there’? Right, the safety net is contributing to the destruction of their humanity and their futures! “
So today Mr. Romney appeared before journalists in Nevada to explain what he really meant.
"My remarks were taken out of context, and on top of that, I misspoke, ha ha ha. I did not mean "the very poor," but very poor circus performers, ha ha ha. We have all spent many enjoyable evenings at the circus, eating cotton corn dogs, hot fudge waffles and caramel frogs, and as you know if you're a circus buff like me, some of the performers are very good and some are not. Now when a tightrope walker is not particularly skilled, he is likely to fall off the tightrope, but fortunately there is a safety net below him so that he will not be injured. That's why I'm not concerned about him. And if that safety net has any structural issues, I will personally repair it."
"So you will be following the circus around the country, Governor?"
"I think I'm already doing that, Chuck."
Meanwhile, Rick Santorum is playing the last 5 minutes of Spartacus on a continuous loop for his campaign workers.
©2012 Kona Lowell
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