Sunday, February 12, 2012

GOP Sews Up Anti-Birth-Control Vote

Washington, DC. Republicans are celebrating President Barack Obama's compromise on the contraception provision and see it as a pivotal, game-changing issue that will put them back in the White House.

"This misstep by the President will come back to haunt him in November," said Speaker John Boehner. "We now hold the moral high ground with that very vocal 2% of the population that does not use birth control. Couple that with our supporters who believe Mr. Obama is a foreign-born Muslim, and we have a Republican juggernaut that just can't be denied.

"Our next step, of course, will be to continue to push for the complete defunding of Planned Parenthood and in so doing garner the votes of the 10% of women around the country who have never used their services. Politicizing women's health issues is just our way of restoring America to her former grandeur, when women were chattel, and damn happy about it. Well, at least the men were happy anyway."

Candidates Rick Santorum, father of eight, and Mitt Romney, father of five, agreed.

"My wife is a human brood mare," said Mr. Santorum, "and thrilled to death to be one. The Democrat Party tells the poor and middle class that they care about them. And yet the want to deprive them of the riches and blessings of having a dozen or so kids. God commanded us to be fruitful and multiply."

Asked about the Biblical mandate to help the poor, Mr. Santorum replied that allowing every needy family to field their own pee wee football team was a step in that direction.

©2012 Kona Lowell

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